Hmmm, lower scores = tired offsense? injuries? ineptitude? The answer is unclear, but ceratinly overall scores were much lower this week than the previous few. With most winners scoring in the 80’s, once again it was WHO you played, rather than HOW you played, that was the key to success.
#1: The marquee matchup of the round between the Celts and the Miracles – both undefeated, both with brains the size of Richard Branson’s love-bed – did not disappoint. The Belted Celts pulled out top score for the second week in a row – thank YOU Rob Gronkowskis (117 yards, 2 TDs) – and overcame a huge underdog status to take the win. The Miracles, blood dripping from a freshly sacrificed chicken (he was having hot wings with the game), could only rue might might have been. [Portland Celtics FC 106, Festivus Miracles 91]
#2: And now on to the game that pitted two 0-and-2 teams together, and it was a doozy. This week the house was a-rockin’ as the Plymouth Rocks (and Darren McFadden’s 178 yards / 2 TDs) withstood a heavy seige from the Duck Boats to take the game with the smallest margin of the week – just 3 points. It’s starting to appear that we might still be in Wabbit Season and not Duck Season, which is bad news for those who invested in the wrong kind of boat… [Plymouth Rocks 90, Get the Duck Boats Ready 87]
#3: In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. And in the matchup-heavy league we’re seeing this year, Da Fury is the newly crowned ruler of opportune timing. Again a ‘medicore’ score, and again the emphatic win. Matty Schaub’s 373 yards and 3 TDs bodes well for future wins, as does the entire field of four-leafed clovers growing in his backyard. The Gnomes, on the other hand, laid a couple of goose eggs in this loss (and that’s not easy when you’re unfeathered and male). Tough days ahead for those of clay. [Da Fury 84, Nittany Gnomes 68]
#4: The shelacking of the week… Despite an purported ability to carry 46 times their own body weight, it seems that Ants simply do NOT like to wait in line, as the Likelies – and Calvin Johnson (108 yards, 2 TDs) – crushed their little exoskeleton bodies into ant-paste. While the Humane Society investigates if excessive force was used – it was – the only fear for the Queue’s is that they haven’t held anything in reserve for the rest of the season. [Queues Likley 95, The Ants Marching 53]
#5: The Gecko is a small, slippery animal with a perpetually untrustworthy smile. What this has to do with Fantasy Football and Eric’s choice of the name is unclear, but it must be said that significant slipperiness and smiling was at play this week. A handy game by Aaron Rodgers (300 yards, 3 TDs, INT) left the usually-impressive AMacs’N’Cheese wallowing in a soggy styrofoam box in a back-alley dumpster. [The Geckos 87, The AMac 79]
#6: The Italian Countryside – full of beauty, splendor and perpetually drunk vintners – has been designed by Mother Nature to swallow up disruptive sounds. This almost undoubtedly explains how the Echoes disappeared without a trace this week. Yes, the SAINTS… SAints… saints… were simply unable to overcome the majestical Jermichael Finley (85 yards, 3 TDs) and his D’artagnan-inspired facial hair. [Giallorossi 81, Saints saints 72]
#7: The Football Gods often look favorably upon those with the largest brass underclangers, so it’s obvious that victory would come to anyone willing to don a pair of Super Sparkly Pants. This week the 36-32-long pant-size was filled by Wes Welker (236 yards / 2 TDs), and boy did he shine. He spun like a disco ball in a twister in the summer of ’73 and permanently damaged the corneas of the All Stars. [Big Neon Glitter 82, Team JR All Stars 74]
#8: News of the World proclaims the cure to cancer is Deep Fried Calamari and, for this week at least, they were proven correct. The Ockies, with a sac-full of lethal Mark Sanchez (371 yards, 3 TDs, INT), took the Clubhouse Cancers out the back and belted them with phonebooks and wiffle sticks until they capitulated. Clubhouse Cancers can sometimes re-emerge in unexpected places (like in the Kicker, or the Tight End), but this week is remission week. [Blue-ringed Ockies 88, Clubhouse Cancers 64]
#9: OK, so there’s no matchup Number Nine, but it’s hard not to notice the “Gold” side of the table has three teams at 0-and-3 and no undefeated teams, while the “Black” side has no winless teams and TWO undefeated teams. Wesley Snipes knew what he was talking about when he said always bet on black…
Team of the Week: Portland Celtic FC (106)
Unofficial Team Motto: If there’s time after the groin-kick, go for the nipple cripple.