[Sorry for delay, apparently didn’t click Publish properly earlier this week]
Two rounds in and it’s quickly becoming clear that there are two kinds of teams playing this season – the lucky and the unlucky. Some great scores went unrewarded , while other rather (ahem) modest scores came through with the win. Looks like matchups, timing, and luck are going to be critical this year, which falls right into the arms of drunkards and fools… Good news for me, at least.
#1: The A-Macs-With-Cheese brought extra-hot sauce to the tailgate party this week, with Matt “No Trans-Fat” Stafford (294 yards, 4 TDs, INT) and Fred “On Sourdough Bread” Jackson (140 yards, 2 TDs) both bringing in 25 points. The Suzie-Q’s, on the other hand, ended up wandering down Devil Gate Drive with their top scorer Miles Austin giving his all (141 yards, 3 TDs), and then going one step further by also bringing in a 3-to-4 week injury. [The AMac 114, Queues Likely 84]
#2: Greed is good for the Geckos, as they eked out a very, very tight win over the unlucky Pymouth Rock Stars. For the lizards, it was a team effort – points from all players – that got them through, with Jahvid “I’m the” Best (123 yards, 2 TDs) top scoring. The Rock Stars actually had two players outscore the Gecko’s Best – including Tom “dude looks like a” Brady (426 yards, 3 TDs) – but the rest of the team failed to man up. A tight game, but both teams can hold their heads high. [The Geckos 106, Plymouth Rocks 104]
#3: The CC’s left a third of their squad lollygagging about on the team bus, drinking cheap wine from a box and chatting up the local girls, and STILL they handed the Neons (and their glittery ruby slippers) a shelacking. Drew Brees led the way (272 yards, 3 TDs) on the field, while their WR, TE and DEF players combined to bring in exactly zero points. The Glitter chanted “there’s no place like home” and went home. Unconfirmed reports stated that Aunty Em stayed on the Clubhouse’s team bus to “hang out for a while”. [Clubhouse Cancers 91, Big Neon Glitter 79]
#4: The Miracle on Grass (complete with a note from his doctor defending its medicinal properties) continues to stun and amaze the league. “The line” predicted that the game would come down to a 3-point win for Festivus, but a big week from Vincent “Van Go!” Jackson (172 yards, 2 TDs) got him through without having to harvest his entire crop. The Ants put up a good showing – Romo contributing 21 points (345 yards, 2 TDs) – but the smoke got in their eyes. [Festivus Miracles 99, Ants Marching 85]
#5: Never enter a land war in Asia, and never go up against the Celtics when Round 2 is on the line. What a crushing week from the Portland tunic-wearers, with 3 guys above 20-points. Top scorer was the unlikely Jeremy “Crackling” Maclin (172 yards, 2 TDs), but the whole team showed up this week – highest score of the season so far. The Ducks did well – scoring enough points to have beaten 11 of the other 15 teams – but much like a peace-loving vegan in a vampire film, they were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. [Portland Celtic FC 138, Get the Duck Boats Ready 105]
#6: Italians have a reputation of eating and drinking all day and taking a nap in the afternoon, and that’s pretty much how Giallorossi handled this matchup. A few guys got into the mid-teens – such as Matt “asleep under my hat” Forte (166 yards) – and then took the rest of the day off. Luckily they were up against the Gnomes who decided that, yes, this would be the week they’d notice they were made out of clay, and clay doesn’t move very much. [Giallorossi 82, Nittany Gnomes 70]
#7: A shambles of a matchup – the two lowest scores of the week came together to duke it out in this one. After a lot of shadow boxing in separate rooms, it was Da Tiny Fists of Fury who eventually limp-punched the hapless Junior Star Gazers into submission. The only good news from this result was that Da Fury, and top-scorer Matt Schaub (230 yards, 2 TDs), have shown they can find a win, no matter the situation. The All Stars, well, they have nothing to fear except another -6 contribution from the Chief’s Defense. Oh, and Round 3. [Da Fury 63, Team JR All Stars 53]
#8: Multi-tentacled, poisonous, small, and hateful of all living things. No, it’s not a political party, it’s the Blue-ringed Ockies and this was a break-out week for them. Top-scorer was everyone’s favorite first-round draft choice – Aaaaadrian Peterson (141 yards, 2 TDs) – with some encouraging backup from the rest of the team. The Saints “pardon?” Saints were competitive, but they were simply not good enough this week to be burned at the stake and lauded for future generations. Maybe next week. [Blue-ringed Ockies 107, Saints saints 89]
Team of the week: Portland Celtic FC, 138
Unofficial motto: Knee ‘em in the groin when the ref’s looking the other way.