Round 13

Lucky Round 13 (for exactly half of us) is over and just one regular-season round remains. As much as I wish there was some juicy drama for the last round, it seems the league is about as raucous as Bob Dole’s 83rd birthday party.  Sure, it started out all party balloons and whistles, but by 6.30pm over half the guests were snoring and even the denture jokes were starting to wear thin.

Another quicky write-up this week, so we can think about the final standings…

The Miracles (122) woke up from their nightmare of a (gasp) two-game losing streak and used Adrian “I inspire boxers” Peterson (108 yards, 3 TDs) to stamp an air of authority on the league… and on the hapless Gnomes (71).  The Nittanites really, really played the wrong QB this week, with the 26-point differential between Kyle Orton (3) and Brady (29) going the wrong way. This result guarantees top spot for Festivus, and either 5th, 6th, or 7th for the sons of Nittany.

What a run for the Troops (98) who, after starting 1-and-5, pulled off a 7-game winning streak to lock themselves into the top 4. The name change and pickup of Michael “he’s quick” Vick (350 yards,3 TDs, INT) simply cannot be overstated.  At the wrong end of the Vick stick this week, and many other sticks this year, was the luckless, highly-scored-against Giallorossians (81).  With their top-scorer (Sidney Rice) on the bench, their best performer was Drew “going to the zoo” Brees (313 yards, 2 TDs, INT). Giallorossi has one last chance to get out of last spot, but he’ll need help…

“Is that an apparition before my eyes? It’s Marching Ants (110)!”, the Salamanders (92) cried.  Yep, all good things come to those who march, as the Ants and Aaron Rodger-Dodger (337 yards, 3 TDs) proved this week. This cements the Ants into the top 4 – as high as 2nd or as low as 4th, and leaves the Salamanders, and Maurice “Clarice” Jones-Drew (190 yards), in a tussle for 5th, 6th or 7th (though they will be much reliant upon the kindness of strangers).

The Tromps (130) awoke from their great slumber to pull out the top score of the week. Sure they still played a guy with zero points (Hakeem Nicks had surgery last week), but when you have Reggie “fast lane” Wayne (200 yards, TD) one can only wonder about what might have been… Meanwhile, the Swine Flu (88) and BenJarvus “eat your” Greens-Ellis (79 yards, 2 TDs) picked the wrong week to come up against a 7-game losing streak. The Tromps will attempt to hold 9th spot next week, while the Flu could finish as high as 5th, or as low as 7th.

The Jellyfishers (74) spent another week hanging out quietly in their box, but still somehow managed to lull their opposition, the Cover Jinxes (56), into the tentacles of doom.  Yes, it seems that the low road, where Steven Jackson (115 yards TD) and others rely on coming up against the lowest score of the week, is just as effective as the high road (where you get the top score). The Jellies are locked into either 2nd or 3rd spot, and the Jinxes have a stranglehold on 8th.

Interestingly, Round 14 sees 1st vs 2nd (Miracles v Jellies), and 3rd vs 4th (Ants v Troops).  It’s almost like having another round of playoffs… Except only the second match matters… And it’s only for the honor of NOT playing the Miracles in the first playoff round.  Mind you, given the recent Jellyfisher scores, you could almost make the argument that whoever wins the 3v4 game will have an easy pass to the Final…

Within the middle bracket, the Flu, Gnomes, and Salamanders all have a shot at 5th spot (and a matchup against one of the unluckiest teams all year, the Jinxes, in the playoffs). The Flu just needs to beat the Jinxes, while the Gnomes need to beat Giallorossi AND have the Flu lose. The Salamanders will need to beat a resurgent Tromp team, AND have both the Flu and Gnomes lose.  This is all for 5th-through-7th positions, so it is possible that no-one cares…

With the Tromps and Giallorossi already guaranteed of no playoff action this season, there’s only the pride of “not being the worst” left to play for. A win by the Tromps will keep them in 9th, while Giallorossi needs a win AND a Tromp loss to get out of the cellar… 

And there you have it, the season is almost at an end. The playoff positions are basically settled, Bob Dole is drooling on the couch, Giallorossi has a super tight grip on the Madonna “most scored on” Award, and the Miracles will finish as the league’s top-dog for another year. The bookies would be happy…


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