Round 10

What did they put in the water this week?? There were some huge scores, including (of course) a MNF game where it literally rained TD’s.  Every fantasy team in the league (bar one) had at least one guy with 20 or more points.  The question is, though, who collected enough to win their matchup…?

Top-of-the-table Miracles leave bottom-of-the-table Giallorossi, well, at the bottom (113 v 78)

– After taking out the 2nd top team in the league last week, the Festivus Miracles played the (probably undeserving) bottom-of-the-table Italian Scallions this week. And, with the bookies offering odds that even a blind arthritic Corsican donkey could safely bet their life savings on, the Miracles had their way with Giallorossi.

– The colossus, nay the juggernaut, which is the Festivus Miracles, continues on its merry way this week.  After many fruitless years of wandering in the desert in this league, it seems that they have somehow uncovered an oasis of bountiful points, and have set up their mansion right across from it.  While they don’t have top score of the week, they do have three guys in the 20’s – Mike “no solace” Wallace (136 yards, 2 TDs), Matt “the frat pack brat” Schaub (328 yards, 2 TDs), and Brandon “on the ‘roids” Lloyd (90 yards, 2 TDs).

– Giallorossi continues to duke it out with the Cover Jinxes for the “most points scored against me” title of woe. As of round 10 they remain a game clear in last position, despite the Tromps best effort to take a dive.  We’re not sure what they can do to improve – the Pittsburgh D, usually so good, had negative points this week – but certainly keeping Fred “Flintstone” Jackson (170 yards, 2 TDs, FUM) in the game would be a good start. Hopefully the birthplace of Julius Caesar and Leonardo Da Vinci can inspire him at some point…

The Ants respond to the Jinxes’ self-destructive inspirational speeches (124 v 120)

– The Ants came marching two by two and brought in the top score of the week.  It turned out that they needed it, too, as the Jinxes followed up last week’s huge score with another score that would normally easily win the matchup.  But the win was not to be, as the Jinxes strange ability to inspire high scores from their opponents once again proving to be a liability of Wall Street proportions.

– With 5 players on Byes for this round, the Ants had a very stress-free selection committee meeting this week, and the relaxed atmosphere translated to a hefty score.  Like the Miracles before them, they also had three guys over 20 – Knowshon “in motion” Moreno (156 yards, TD), Frank “the skank” Gore (154 yards, TD) and Joe “whacko” Flacco (228 yards, 3 TDs, INT). This win moves them into the 5-and-5 pile-up, just one game out of the 6-and-4 pileup that goes all the way up to second place. Did someone say “parity”?

– The Cover Jinxes played as best they could, giving 110%, doing it for the Gipper, and leaving it all out on the field.  But the win was not to be – the only soothing balm coming from regaining the lead from Giallorossi in the “most kicked in the groin by others” award.  One player topped 30 points – Dwayne “to the pain” Bowe (186 yards, 2 TDs) – and another topped 20 – Jay “all day” Cutler (261 yards, 3 TDs, 2 INTs), but the team still ended up a beer short of a six-pack.  At 3-and-7, it would take a minimum of 17 sacrificed chickens to get into the top 4 from here…

King Louie just wants to have fun, the Tromps just want to wake up (124 v 77)

– Ever since Da Fury changed their name to King Louie’s Troops, life has been good.  Sure, they causally threw away 24 years of fond memories, good friends, and dreams for a better world when they did it, but NOW THEY ARE WINNING.  (This makes four in a row!)  This is exactly the kind of people we want on the EM-50 project.  The Tromps, on the other hand, were slipped a mickey 4 or 5 weeks ago, and currently lay comatose in a bed on a verandah in Oz somewhere. They’re drooling on their pillow and it’s getting pretty icky down there.

– It’s uncanny how much King Louie’s expression (you’ll need to refer to the team picture) is EXACTLY like the face pulled by Michael “sick, as in good sick” Vick after his 3rd, 4th, 5th, and 6th touchdowns on MNF.  He top scored the league with 49 points – 413 yards, 6 TDs, and nothing bad.  It was a pretty amazing domination, and when the fantasy King Louie also pulled in 26 points from Roddy “out of sight” White (138 yards, 2 TDs), this matchup was also a domination.  Nothing quite like the sight of an ape beating someone to death with a soggy pillow on MNF…

– Going into this match, there was a theory that at least poor old “try your heart out” Philip Rivers (who was on a Bye) would be spared the pain of scoring big only to have the team lose anyway.  But it seems that the Tromps had other ideas.  I’m not sure what they have against Rivers – maybe he stole his matchbox Corvette back in the day – but the Tromps left him in the game and had the team lose around him. Andre “the wee giant” Johnson (146 yards, TD) added what he could, but with 3 players on Byes this was always going to be ugly.  Where’s the John Travolta / Pulp Fiction adrenalin shot to the heart when you need it?

Immunization works wonders as Gnomes brush aside the Swine Flu (101 v 81)

– The days of being afraid of the Piggy Flu seem to be over.  The Gnomes snap a three-game losing streak (that was starting to look ugly) and blow their noses in the general direction of the Swine Flu. With winter coming, can the little germs spread themselves around more and hang on to a top four spot through to the end? Or has modern science killed them off forever?

– Regardless of their very strange (but ultimately non-destructive) decision to play “Gomer” Kyle Orton (295 yards, 4 TDs) instead of Tom “greatest 199th draft pick ever” Brady (353 yards, 4 TDs), the Gnomes had a bevy of decent point gatherers both on and off the field of play this week.  While no-one else on the team topped the 20-point mark, the Gnomes can really feel good that the old adage of “many hands make light work” ACTUALLY could be something that works in fantasy football.  Hold on, did someone just start singing “Hi Ho”…? 

– Despite not scoring over 100 points in a game all season (a new stat I just discovered), the Swine Flu is hanging tenuously on to 4th place, in the 6-and-4 group.  You have to give them serious mutation attempt points – their 17 transfers ranks them ahead of (gasp) Larry in this department – but so far they’ve not found the winning combination for rendering their victim an oozing, drooling  mess.  (Perhaps they should do an autopsy on the Tromps…)  With zero players above 20 (and one WR out with a mild concussion – Hines “Hospital” Ward), it was a quiet week for the Flu.

The Jellies wobble the Salamanders into a trance (108 v 77)

–  The Box Jellyfishers really have no strategy; they just float along and hope for the best.  Sometimes a fish or two comes into the threads of doom, and sometimes they go hungry. And this week, the Salamanders wandered in with glazed over eyes and never saw the venomous tentacles until they were tearing their skin from their bodies.  Ah, yes, it was a good week to be a gelatinous mass…

– The Jellies didn’t have to look too far for their smooth peanut butter this week.  With two guys over 20 – Matt “no cryin’” Ryan (321 yards, 3 TDs) and “lungs heaving” Steven Jackson (148 yards, TD) – and a bunch of low double-digit backups, it was easy driftin’ all the way for this matchup.  With some point differentials, this moves them all… the… way… up to 2nd place.  The Jellies have no idea what they’re doing right, but they like it.

– The Salamanders were following on from a tough loss to the Larry juggernaut last week, and they simply couldn’t get their eyeballs clean enough. Maurice “woo-woo” Jones-Drew (123 yards, 2 TDs) was the top scorer, and only guy above 20 points, and everyone else were (in a word) lackluster.  Interestingly, Manning the Elder won his game, but sucked as a fantasy football pick.  While Manning the Younger had the opposite experience. The Salamanders hold on tight to 3rd place, but it’s getting slippery.

So, as they say every Saturday night in Bingo clubs all over the world, here comes Round “Legs” 11.  And, apart from our illustrious leader, there are 6 players within a single game of each other from 2nd to 7th position.  Every game, every point, counts.  No pressure.

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