Round 9

Tick tock, every game counts – only five left after this one…

The Miracles trample the Salamanders and bury them in shallow grave (119 v 94)

– The top-of-the-table clash promised so much this week, especially given both came into this matchup on a three-game winning streak, but a great battle was not to be.  Like sand through the hourglass, so too are the Miracles of our lives.  And the Salamanders?  Well, they got a bit too comfortable in the lower half of the hourglass and were soon buried…    

– There are many ways to win a game, but few are more effective than having your two RBs pull in 58 points.  Arian and Adrian, Adrian and Arian.  Twins separated at birth, or are they just Festivus Miracles?  Regardless, with Arian Foster’s 197 yards and 2 TDs, and Adrian Peterson’s 144 yards and 2 TDs, this team will be a force to be reckoned with all the way through.  Can anyone stop the runaway train?  Who would dare step in front of it?  (OK, Denzel would, but who ELSE?)

– The Salamanders gave it a good shot but were simply outclassed this week. A huge unexpected shot in the arm came from the New Orleans Defense (4 sacks, INT, FUM, TD, only 3 points against), and the support from Brandon “klaxon” Jackson (68 yards, 2 TDs) was undeniable.  Of course, playing the wrong Manning brother (poor old Peyton) didn’t help, but there was no chance of a win this week.  Let’s hope their melancholy oozes over into week 10 (and their matchup against the Jellies)…

The Jinxes EXPLODE off the page, leaving Giallorossi uncomfortably numb (134 v 97)

– One week after being on the wrong end of the biggest loss of the week, the Cover Jinxes are back and boy did they bring some vengeance. The only good news for Gillarossi was they probably didn’t even notice the whupping, given that they are almost certainly completely numbed by their beloved Cowboys being 1-and-7, and their coach currently dining out at the local soup kitchen.

– The way to survive as a Cover Jinx player is to never adorn a magazine cover, and Peyton “subsurface” Hillis (220 yards, 2 TDs, FUM) is that man.  A quiet achiever of incredible magnitude, he’s slipped under the NFL show-off radar for the whole season. The Green Bay defense then chipped in with 28 points (4 sacks, 2 INT, 2 FUM, 2 TDs), against Dallas no less, and the matchup was never in question. Let’s hope there’s no Hillis expose on SI, or ESPN, or SNL, in the next few weeks…

– Giallorossi actually pulled off a reasonable score this week, but it seems that his recent sojourn to Italy has raised the jealousy, and ire, of others.  They played their best possible team – which is code for “their bench stunk it up” – with top score coming from Drew “just a faint westerly” Brees (253 yards, 2 TDs, INT) and second top score coming from the boot of  David “fakers” Akers (4 FGs, 2 PATs).  Everyone else chipped in a bit, but they still couldn’t afford that present with the shiny bow. Looks like Giallorossi picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.

The Ants march away with priceless* works of Tromp art (104 v 62)

* recently revalued as “lacking substance”

– The Ants are on the comeback trail, vaguely aware that at the end of the meandering path ahead of them is a place in the final, and the promise of relentless adulation from the masses.  The Tromps are all dressed up with no place to go, their house is in a shambles and their picket fence leans sadly over to the left.  The result of this matchup?  Given.

– In typical Ant style, many decent-yet-humble contributors carried a bunch of points in on their tiny, tiny backs, amassing enough for the hive to feast on.   Aaron “Cowboy crusher” Rodgers (330 yards, 3 TDs) led the way, with his right-hand position taken “Team” Jacob Tamme (108 yards, TD).   There’s still some work to be done for the finals, but definitely many itty-bitty steps were taken in the correct direction this week.  

– (Once again) Tthe Tromps simply refuse to change their lineup.  Or read this blog.  Or retain information longer than a goldfish, because they played Pierre “I’m in hospital in traction” Thomas AGAIN!  This marks the FIFTH SIXTH week that Pierre was called on to take the field of battle, despite the obvious problem of his plaster-and-rose-petal wrapped ankle. Despite all hope, Philip “still crying into the” Rivers (308 288 yards, 2 4 TDs, INT) keeps on trying.  Change the line-up for Philip, Tromps.  Please. (Really, PLEASE).

The Apes refuse to contract Piggy Flu, doctors remain baffled (73 v 65)

– King Louie’s Troops are hairy, big-armed, fun-loving, banana-bending primates, and not generally known for their resilience.  However, when it comes to beating the Piggy Flu they are in very rare company.  It’s unclear how they pulled this off – their score is on the low end of “mild” – but pull it off they did.

– In a week where the Troops kicker got injured (seriously, what are the chances of that?), it seems that the best way to beat the Flu is to have a couple of guys show immunity and then all is well.  While only two players showed any heart this week, pulling in over two-thirds of the total score, this turned out to be enough.  Well done to Michael “vapor-rub” Vick (292 yards, 2 TDs) and Michael “quick learner” Turner (107 yards, 2 TDs).  Football is all about timing, and the Troops had their (probably stolen) Rolexes set on at the right time for round 9.

– Losing is an unusual feeling for the Flu.  Despite have the lowest season total point score of the entire league, they sit a game clear in 3rd place, wondering what all the fuss is about.  Perhaps, much like the flu semi-epidemics in recent years (touch wood), the initial hype causes mass panic and it’s not until later – like, say, round 9 – that people can get past it. Top Flu honors went to Rashard “placard says the end of the world is nigh” Mendenhall (130 yards, TD). Can the Flu mutate?

The Jellyfishers put the Gnomes back in their box (107 v 86)

– Heading into MNF, the boffins at Yahoo Sports had this matchup as a statistical dead heat, with three players yet to be counted. Sure, the Box Jellyfish were the most venomous creature on the planet, but the Gnomes were made of clay and therefore assumed impervious to the toxins. Turned out that if you cut them, they do in fact bleed…

– The Jellyfish came into this week after back-to-back losses and were seriously eyeing up their manager as fish-bait… But then along came Terrell “get going” Owens (141 yards, 2 TDs) on a beautiful Monday (fantasy football) evening in Cincinnati, and all was well once more.  Of course, Ray “chicken and” Rice and his 180 combined yards was also rather useful.  The Jellies slip into 4th place with this win, looking to drag more unsuspecting prey into the depths of despair.

– The Gnomes are in flat spin, heading out to sea, and dang it if it don’t look like they might get their furry red caps smashed by the ejection pod really soon. This is the 3rd loss in a row for the once mighty football geniuses, and if it hadn’t been for Ahmad “pregnant” Bradshaw (92 yards, 2 TDs) and Tom “playing dainty” Brady (225 yards, 2 TDs), it could have been a lot worse.  I’m not sure if the league’s second-top scorer is happy about being 4-and-5, but I’m certainly going to stay out of N3W for a few days.

Game on.  Round X, Round Bo, Round Nadia (Round 10) approaches.


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