Time for fancy footwork is over. Just win…
It’s Miss Festivus World as the Jinxes once again inspire others to great heights (113 v 78)
– The Festivus Miracles are once again a lean, mean scoring machine. Top score fits on top of their giant football-filled head like a glittery tiara in pageant season. And we all have to admit that it brings out the twinkle in his eye. The Jinxes, on the other hand, have taken empathy to whole new level…
– The Miracles were beauty and grace this week – three guys over 20 points gave them top points in the swim suit, ballgown, and talent sections. Sure their speech about world domination (instead of world peace) was ‘unusual’, but it only endeared them even more to the judges. Top scores were Brandon “pretty boy” Lloyd (169 yards, TD), and Arian “high cost-a” Foster (167 yards, TD).
– The Cover Jinxes tried for the Miss Congeniality slot, but they were so nice that ended up giving THAT to someone else, too. While they held back from a deliberate fall on stage, they did get in a couple of stumbles (two guys with zero points) while twirling their batons. Top score was the Green Bay Defense (2 SACK, 2 INTs, FUM), who also managed to shut-out the Jets. They’re going to need a LOT more of that kind of ruthless baby-eating football to make it from here on.
The Bye-Bye game goes to the at-home Italians over the Tromps (86 v 76)
– Both Giallorossi and the Tromps headed into this matchup with a Bye player on the field. It’s not clear if it was from overseas commitments, or from some kind of reading disorder, but at least they still got to play an evenly matched game. The Italians were IN Italy for this matchup (business trip, laced with macchiato), and that proved to be the deciding factor as the Tromps drop their third game in a row.
– Giallorossi reveled in the Italian immersion, giving Tony “Speedy” Gonzalez the week off to have a pizza on the piazza, and simply asking others to do some more work instead. Stepping up to the plate was Larry “putting on the ritz” Fitzgerald (72 yards, 2 TDs), whose lengthy, loping legs carried him up and down the field like the 16th century masterpiece that he is. Will Giallorossi EVER come home? The question should be “why would you?”…
– The Tromps simply refuse to change their lineup. Or read this blog. Or retain information longer than a goldfish, because they played Pierre “I’m in hospital in traction” Thomas AGAIN! This marks the FIFTH week that Pierre was called on to take the field of battle, despite the obvious problem of his plaster-and-rose-petal wrapped ankle. Despite all hope, Philip “crying into the” Rivers (308 yards, 2 TDs, INT) keeps on trying. Change the line-up for Philip, Tromps. Please.
The Swine Flu hides itself in a rasher of bacon, luring the Ants to their doom (74 v 60)
– Despite having one of the lowest total scores of the league, the Piggy Flu continues to find chinks in the exoskeletons of all and sundry. It’s all about timing and a well placed slicing RB. On the other side of the matchup, the Ants (bellies full of bacon rashers that turned out to be Trojan Horses of bacteria) have to come to grips with pulling off the low score of the week. The hive is not happy.
– No-one is really sure why the Swine Flu does it – surely killing your host is bad etiquette, if nothing else. But it seems that in the world of fantasy football, overcoming all and sundry with lots of little pieces of pain is the way to go. For example, his top-scorer Jamaal “Prince” Charles (238 yards) didn’t go for any of those touchdown thingies, but rather insisted on getting many, many tiny little tenths-of-a-point by simply running all freaking day… and STILL beating you.
– The Ants marched down the hill, two by two, until they simply couldn’t go any lower. Low score of the week is unchartered territory for them and perhaps the stink of it will ensure they never return. Only Frank “blood and guts” Gore (125 yards, TD) knew when to turn around and stop walking downhill. The loss moves them into the lower half of the league, with King Louie lining them up…
The slick Salamanders slide past the grasping clay arms of the Gnomes (87 v 77)
– The Salamanders are another team that simply knows how to win. Sure, the Gnomes know how to SCORE (they’re second in total points scored), but when it comes to the WINNING part it seems that slimy, slippery bodies are as useful in fantasy football as they are in mud wrestling.
– The Salamanders aren’t perfect – they left some big points on the bench – but they do have a knack for getting out of tight corners and leaving just a trace of slipperiness in their wake. Once again the lead eye-ball licker was Peyton “lovin’ not hatin’” Manning (271 yards, 2 TDs), while everyone else just played a barely-there supporting role. Next week sees them up against the Miracles – can they slither forth once more?
– The Gnomes dressed their child up AS a gnome for this week’s matchup – she was uber-cute – but it seems that this town just ain’t big enough for TWO cute gnomes, and the football version went down hard. Who would have thought that Kyle “pass a mile” Orton (387 yards, TD, INT, FUM) would have been a better play than Tom Brady, but this week he certainly was (just…). It was really the rest of the team that was out to lunch this week, though 5 guys on byes DOES limit team choice…
King Louie dines on peanut butter and Jelly sandwiches (98 v 88)
– Despite a slow start after the renaming, it seems that King Louie is on to something. Two wins in a row must feel like a Thai back massage after several rounds of Thai boxing – enjoyable, but the sting from the previous event hasn’t quite worn off yet. For the Jellies, they were spread wafer-thin over some crusty bread from Trader Joes this week, and their last view was of a set of giant ape-ish chompers coming down from above.
– Perhaps there is something to be said in leaving Da Fury behind and moving forward with zen-like purpose. It certainly seems to be working for the Troops, who found the mother-lode of wide receiving bananas in the form of Calvin “triple decker” Johnson (101 yards, 3 TDs). While not wanting to burst the ape-bubble too much, it’s worth pointing out that there were ZERO managerial decisions to be made this week, with ALL 7 guys on the Troop bench being on byes. Low stress decisions = wins..?
– The tide has changed and the Jellies are being pulled from the warm waters of the top 4 and into the chilly, kill-or-be-killed world of the mid-pack. While the Jellyfishers remain venomous to the extreme, it seems that the lack of a cerebral cortex is a larger hindrance than expected. They’re going to need a lot more luck to survive in the future, perhaps even being able to emulate the triple-deflection TD scored by top-scoring teammate Terrell “G-O T-O” Owens (65 yards, 2 TDs).
Round 9 starts soon and, with just six more matches before the finals, you had better play now or forever hold your peace.