Round 5

Another round done, but only one MNF win…

The Tromps cast Yahoo’s opinion to the curb, where the Salamanders slink in shame (91 v 71)

– Despite Yahoo predicting a 25 point loss for the self-loathing Tromps, the All-Parisians went to town and pinned the Salamander’s tail to the wall. The subsequent thrashing about by the luckless amphibian resulted in, of course, his tail ripping off.  A graphic description perhaps, but there’s always a chance that it might grow back next week…

– The Tromps, contrary to all forces of logic, left a Bye-player and two injuries on the field of battle this week and still managed the win.  Hakeem “Stevie” Nicks (130 yard 2 TDs) top scored, with plenty of support from Philip “losing to the… Raiders?” Rivers (445 yards, 2 TDs, 2 FUM). While most teams might find winning with a deliberate handicap a strange way to go about business, it’s possible that the Tromps are attempting to emulate the success of the earless Van Gogh.  

– The Salamander bench had the potential to take this one, but it was impossible to predict – no-one in their right mind bets on the little (Manning) brother.  So, instead of a win, top scorer turned out to be Steve “no, not that one” Smith (89 yards, TD), and no-one else came to the party. A full game / no-catch performance by Steve’s Giant-in-arms cohort, Mario Manningham, shows that even if your QB’s name is INSIDE your name, there is still no guarantee you’ll get passes. Hope that tail comes back soon…

The Swine Flu flares up and claims another Jinxed victim (76 v 66)

– This one needed Monday Night Football to be resolved, with the Flu starting the game with a slight underdog status and emerging as an all conquering infection.  The Jinxes could only watch in horror as the worst possible combination of passes, and TDs, rolled in and spiked his temperature into the mid 100’s. 

– The Swine Flu take their 4th win in a row and move their microscopic little army into second place. They did this one the hard way – their top score came from a very distracted and late-to the-party Brett “naughty” Favre (265 yards, 3 TDs, INT, 2 FUM), and they even uses a 49er’s player (“Mount” Vernon Davis, 104 yards, TD). Basically, it was basically the 37-yard Favre-Moss TD in the second half of MNF that got them there (approx 17 points), proving that a single play CAN make the difference. Go, little bacteria legs, go.

– The Jinxes were predicted to win this one easily, but fell short across the board.  Not only was there a knee injury for TE Finley (zero points), but there was only one player who exceeded their predicted points – kicker Nate “underweight” Kaeding (2 FG, 3 PAT).  The team’s top scorer Carson “embalmer” Palmer (212 yards, 2 TDs, 3 INTs) kind of summed up this week’s ethos of mediocre losing performances. Time for a new model for the cover?

The Gnomes are back in the winner’s circle, Giallorossi sits in the loser’s rhombus.  (136 v 75)

– The Gnomes really need to work on consistency –> they’ve oscillated back and forth like a metronome all season long – tick, tock, win, lose – and always by huge margins. As for the Italians, it’s hard to watch a Ferrari’s engine catch fire every single week but them’s the fact, ma’am.

– Nittany is a town with two tales – the tale of joy and the tale of woe. They get to pull out the streamers and party hats this week, with 4 players in the 20’s. The magnificent all-round specimen of a RB, Chris “gimme a kiss” Johnson (132 yards, 2 TDs), once again led the way, with second place going to Miles “all smiles” Austin (170 yards, TD).  Despite the 2 losses, the Gnomes have the second highest overall points scored in the league and are rapidly chasing after top spot.  They get a “tick” this week, but are they swinging back for a “tock”…?

– It was another lackluster week for Giallorossi and he must be wondering who he’s ticked off in the Valhalla World of Football, as he begins another season full of woe. It’s not that his players ARE crud, it’s that they PLAY crud. Top scorer Drew “seven seas” Brees (281 yards, 2 TDs, 3 INTs) was indicative of a team that isn’t bad enough to get fired, but still bad enough to lose.  It’s possible that the Italians are out of ideas – is the Renaissance on the way? Or will it be more of the Dark Ages?

The Battle of the Single Winners favors industry (Ants) over emotion (Fury) (114 v 70)

– The Ants are back in the game, breaking a 3-game losing streak to take their second win of the season.  A real contender in previous years, the Ants have been faced with burrowing through some pretty tough dirt this year. As for Da Fury, it’s possible their life on the coast has made them soft.  Comfortable, relaxed, suntanned… and soft.

– The Ants have actually been fairly consistent, with scores always fairly close to the century mark, and this week they finally matched up with an opposition team on a downward cycle.  Thanks must go to Malcom “pretty boy” Floyd (213 yards, TD) and Michael “unicycle” Bush (135 yards, TD), moving the Ants into a clear ownership of 7th.  With the Gnomes coming next week, the Ants will need wait and see if a consistent 100 can beat the ‘tock’…  

– Da Fury, everyone’s favorite Santa Barbarian, has also had a season of consistency. Unfortunately, much like the weather on the coast, it’s been consistently in the low 80’s.  Donovan “smash and grab” McNabb struggled mightily against his thigh injury to top score (357 yards, TD, INT), but perhaps the performance of the Rams defense (38 points allowed, 1 sack -> -3 points) best sums up how Da Fury feels today. There ARE some performers here, but inconsistent scores and a tendency to hide out on the bench has left Da Fury more like Da Dazed.

The King is dead, long live the Jellyfish (122 v 101)

– While the Jellyfishes’ gelatinous bodies are, admittedly, having trouble balancing the coronet they ripped off the Miracles this week, there is no doubting the grins on their faces. The Miracles, feeling the sting of loss for the first time this season, are already no doubt plotting revenge… and pointing the fact they still own the top of the leaderboard.

– The Jellyfish hunted as a pack this week, with only a few players not stepping up.  Ray “fried” Rice (159 yards, 2 TDs) is finally showing why he was taken early in the first round, and everyone’s favorite loser Tony “can’t buy a game” Romo (415 yards, 3 TDs, 3 INTs) chipped in with fantasy success that belies the Cowboy’s rough season thus far. The Jellies will attempt to move their hunting grounds to Italy next week – hope there’s a current heading in that direction…

– The Miracles lose and, somewhere, an angel loses its wings. Despite scoring over a hundred in every match of the season, a quick review of the Miracle’s scorecard actually reveals (careful, this miht shock you) a steady decline.  In the past 5 weeks, his score has gone DOWN every time. Raging against this trend is Matt “the brat” Forte (188 yards, 2 TDs) and his close personal friend Brandon “annoyed” Lloyd (135 yards, 2 TDs). Are we witnessing the end of a legend, or is it all a ruse that will provide more fodder for his memoirs?

The season is moving on rapidly – make your moves now because Week 6 is approaching on stealthy feet.

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