Round 4

No real close ones this week, folks…

The Miracles remain rock steady over the topsy-turvy Gnomes (105 v 75)

– With the rest of the league riding a roller coaster of scores, The Miracles remain scarily consistent, again scoring over the century mark. The only consolation for a miracle-weary league is their slow slide down the scoring charts -> they had only the 3rd top score this week. Of course, this helped the bi-polar Gnomes not one whit, as they (like all others before them) tumble and fall before the mighty Miracles.

– The Miracles extend their winning streak to 4 in a row, tempting football pundits everywhere to reach for the old phrase ‘early ripe early rotten’.  But what to say when the team isn’t fruit, but bedrock? Enormous games by Arian “have a beer, mate” Foster (187 yards, 2 TDs) and Antonio “burst through the” Gates (144 yards, 2 TDs) leave no doubt that the vitality of the Miracles remains strong. The league can only wonder if they can somehow turn the Miracles into a banana, or perhaps an apricot…

– The Nittany Gnomes saw the emergence of a serious medical condition that afflicts many football teams – flip-flop-itis. This is where the team goes up and down like a yoyo. This may (or may not) be solved by the Gnome’s usual fix-all of copious consumption of prescription drugs and magic mushrooms.  The team’s true top score (Kyle Orton-hears-a-who) was on the bench, so that gave the best-on-ground (BOG) award to Ahmad “I’m mad?” Bradshaw (143 yard, TD), with absolutely no support from the other gnomes. Can they self-medicate their way out of trouble next week?

Da Fury succeed despite the Football Gods, as Giallorossi struggles to get out of bed (81 v 68)

– Da Fury obviously still needs to work on their clairvoyance skills because, once again, the bench is a powerhouse of unused points. Regardless of the Football Gods desire to keep a good man down, the team scraped together just enough points to pull off the win. Giallorossi, on the other hand, must be wondering what they did in that past life to be stricken with malaria, typhus, and a bad head cold all at the same time. Nasty. 

– Da Fury finally gets on the scoreboard, so we have no more winless teams drifting from week to week like headless ghouls.  So that’s nice.  The sad part is his ‘diamond in the rough’ – Michael “hit by a brick” Vick (66 yards, rib injury) – was knocked out early in his game on Sunday as he became a linebacker sandwich. Luckily others came to the rescue – specifically Calvin “and the chipmunks” Johnson (88 yards, 2 TDs).  Careful management, and a crystal-clear crystal ball, may be needed for them to continue their newly acquired ability to win…

– Giallorossi, a team built using nouse, knowledge and knowhow, somehow continues to flounder like a beached pilot whale. Sure, last week was a good one, but the leap out of the water ended up landing on a sandbank… Who knows what’s going on inside that brain – maybe cell tower interference is to blame – but one thing for sure is that Drew “appearance fees” Brees (274 yards, TD) won’t be able to keep pouring water over the poor stranded beastie by himself for much longer…

The Flu strikes again, knocking over half of Le Tromps completely out of action (94 v 62)

– The Swine Flu crept in through the ventilation shafts of the Melbourne Cultural Museum and infected all and sundry.  Only a few team members were needed to infect and multiply, and they did so without sympathy or compunction. The Tromps, on the other hand, were like sleep-deprived three-toed sloths on valium attempting to do some finger painting.

– The Flu gave Randy “gathering” Moss the night off (no catches) and instead focused on the use of a whole team – the San Diego D (9 sacks, 2 INT, FUM, TD) – as their scoring machine of choice.  The emergence of a new fantasy stud in the form of Rashard “deck the halls” Mendenhall (88 yards, 2 TDs) also couldn’t be denied.  The Flu seems to be on a bit of a roll and must be thinking about how they can get someone to sneeze in Larry’s general direction…

– The low score of the week is tough to get, and we have to applaud the Tromps for figuring out how to get 5 players to contribute a TOTAL score of 0.5 points.  (Yes, that’s not a typo, and no-one was on a bye-week). The Indy D kicked in with -1, the kicker got 0, both Andre Johnson and Pierre Thomas were late injury scratchings (both with ankle injuries), and TE Carlson got 1.5 points.  Truly an amazing managerial result. Reggie “to the pain” Wayne (196 yards, FUM) is worth a mention as a remote outpost of fantasy goodness. The Tromps are taking a lot of vitamin C this week.

The Salamanders prove ‘big eats little’ by dining on chocolate-covered Ants (126 v 102)

– The Salamanders have recovered nicely from last week’s swine flu issue, proving that if something doesn’t kill you it makes you stronger.  The Ants, on the other hand, proved that if you’re small and tasty then amphibians will more than likely eat you up.

– Licking their lips, the Salamanders had a very nice dinner this week. When Peyton Manning throws for a couple of TDs and 350+ yards and he’s THIRD on your list, you know life is good.  Top scorer was “some people call me” Maurice Jones-Drew (121 yards, 2 TDs), very closely followed by a crushing Giants Defense (10 sacks, 2 INT, FUM, 2 QB’s injured).  This win moves the Salamanders up into second position on the ladder – a mere one win and 120 points behind The Miracles.

– The Ants covered themselves with delicious milk chocolate and went for a stroll by the swamp. Their belief that they’d be adequately protected by Aaron “slim winner” Rodgers (201 yards, 3 TDs, 2 INT) and Mikey “crikey” Tolbert (103 yards, TD) proved to be grossly overestimated.  There wasn’t even any hope on the bench. They now drop all the way to 7th position and have to cling to the fact that they are the king of the 1-and-3’s.

The Jellyfish take a jump to the left and step all over the Cover Jinxes (141 v 82)

– Let’s do the Time Warp again, because there’s nothing quite like going back to the future and winning with a couple of team members who were last considered ‘hot’ about 5 years ago. The Jinxes, on the other hand, went for a team that MAY be hot in another couple of years time.  That didn’t turn out too great…

– Not only did the Box Jellyfishers pull off a Time Warp victory for the ages, they’ve also pulled off the top score of the whole season thus far.  Thanks must go to a couple of players who were last hot about 4 years ago -> Terrell “no problems here” Owens (222 yards, TD) and LaDainian “new team” Tomlinson (155 yards, 2 TDs).  Despite the two days of heavy partying the Jellyfishers have been enjoying as a result of this win, they can’t seem to shake the feeling that perhaps they’ve peaked too early… because they play the Miracles NEXT week…

– The Cover Jinxes have developed a knack for taking on teams who are on a roll – they have the highest points-against in the league – and, sadly for them, this continued for another week.  Despite the best efforts of Eddie Royal-With-Cheese (113 yards, TD), there was simply too much ground to make up with Jay “Scuttled” Cutler (-1.32 points from 42 yards, INT, FUM -> concussion) not making it out of the third quarter. To add a dash salt to the wound, the top scorer of the entire team – Carson Palmer (371 yards 2 TD, 2 FUM) – was hanging out on the bench. The Jinxes are going to need to publish a new issue as soon as possible, preferably with the Flu on the cover.

Week 5 beckons, and for some its potential for further failures may keep them up at night…

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