Another week gone and again only two matches were even remotely in contention on MNF. This time one of the challengers (Swine Flu) came through with the win, while the other (Giallorrossi) followed the more popular route and was unable to close the gap after the weekend. Seems like taking an early lead is a critical factor this year…
On to results.
Miracles outscore everyone (again), leaving a trail of Henry Mancini dead-Ants behind them (132 v 103)
– It’s hard to believe that Henry Mancini, back in 1963, could possibly have known that the Pink Panther theme song of dead-ant, dead-ant could be useful in blog post about a crushing win in the world of fantasy football. But believe he did, and Festivus Miracles thanks him with another week-topping score (and a therefore guaranteed-win over his opponent). The Ants, meanwhile, have apparently marched off to have breakfast at Tiffany’s.
– Does the Festivus omniscience know no bounds? It appears not, as he craftily left Matt sucked-last-week Schaub in at QB this week and reaped in 31 points (497 yards, 3 TDs, INT) as a reward. Add in a standard Adrian “we don’t need no stinkin’ QB” Peterson game (186 yards, TD) and it’s pretty clear that we’re going to need some kind of explosive device to get Larry down from his pedestal this year.
– The Ants boldly scurried their way into the kitchen looking for points but unexpectedly ran into Mrs Claus and her handy can of Raid. Mammoth games from Frank “run me more” Gore (168 yards, 2 TDs) and Aaron “the green baron” Rodgers (275 yards, 3 TDs) gained a lot of points – 4th best score of the week – but they were no match for the chemical warfare sent in from above.
The Salamanders feast on the Italian scallions (80 v 77)
– The Salamanders know how to win, period. Using just the right amount of persistent, patience, and platitudes, they’ve managed to slither their way to 2-and-0 with an average margin of victory of about 4 points. Giallorossi, for their part, have started this season eerily similar to last year -> 0-and-4 with close losses piling up as the weeks went by…
– The Salamanders, the cold-blooded type, have chosen their players accordingly. Nothing says “it’s not personal, it’s just business” more than Peyton “I have no brother” Manning’s butt-kicking performance on the weekend (255 yards, 3 TDs). Backed up with some other deceont performances, the best of which was Darren “a Raider made the highlight reel?” McFadden (153 yards), giving the team just enough points to keep Italian eyes from smiling.
– ‘Close but no cigar’ comes to mind for Giallorossi this week. At least he wasn’t the low score of the week, so progress has been made. The down side is that only two of his players got into double digits – the Pittsuburgh D (4 sacks, 3 INR, 4 FUM) and Drew “catch your own pass” Brees (254 yards, 2 TDs) – so he may need to either start grooming a few more lone wolves, or trade everyone for one of Larry’s cast-offs.
The Cover ain’t jinxed no more, while Da Fury carjacks Winona Ryder (122 v 83)
– The Cover Jinxes lived up to some of their Yahoo Hype this week, with the league gathering another huge score in the process. Is there more O in the air this year or something? Meanwhile Da Slow and Da Furious are left wondering why the hell the carjacked Winona’s Prius.
– No sign of blown knees or turf toe for the Cover Jinxes this week as they accumulated a very stately score that would have barely been challenged last year. There was a plethora of talent left on the bench, too, which must be a nice feeling. Regardless, a simply awe-inspiring score from Jahvid “this week I am the” Best (232 total yards, 3 TDs) led the team all the way to the front page of a magazine rack near you. Perhaps a challenger is rising…
– 0-60 in 3 minutes (downhill with a tailwind) is the official stats for a Prius, and that’s about the level of furiosity that was mustered this week by Da Fury. As far as shrewd team management is concerned, he actually did the most he could with what he had, squeezing out nearly every available point from his team of short-sighted environmentally-friendly carjackers. Top scorer was Michael “I’m ba-ack” Vick (321 yards, 2 TDs), and it dropped down quickly from there. Team management is spending the week printing fliers explaining what Porsches, Corvettes and Maseratis look like.
Le Tromps use half a team to pound the half-pints (117 v 82)
– Why use all the players in your team to win a game when you can get by with just half? This novel idea came to Le Tromps during the aria of the Marriage of Figaro, and they simply ran with it. The Gnomes, dumb-founded by the tactic, responded by refusing to have anyone score over 15 points. The result – class and etiquette 1, short dudes in red pants 0.
– Le Trompe d’oel is an art technique for using extreme realism to create optical illusions that make the painting look 3D. (I looked it up). So, by having half a team score double-digits and the remainder have an average of 4 points it appears you CAN completely bamboozle the beholder. The top bamboozler was LeSean “bottle of” McCoy (128 yards, 3 TDs), with some nice support from Philip “rapido” Rivers (334 yards, 3 TDs, 2 INT). Significant bench points were left untapped, but given the big winning margin we can only assume this was done on purpose to complete a balanced illusion…
– The Gnomes, fresh from a great season opener, got lost inside their own oversized pointy hats this week. Tops score on the field was Dallas “the Malice” Clark (83 yards, TD), but he would have been third if the bench had played. Frankly, the bench simply REEKS with points that are now past their use-by date, so no doubt there’s a crystal ball in Nittany in desperate need of being polished for the next round.
The Swine Flu goes swimming and the Jellyfishers again go hungry (78 v 73)
– The Swine Flu, wisely choosing a name that sparks terror in the entire bacon-loving world, came through with a MNF win that completely destroyed the backbone-less Jellyfishers. It seems that viruses are indeed the true rulers of this world.
– No individual players with double-digits and STILL pulling off the win? That’s how viruses work, my friends – overwhelming all and sundry with little gains here and there… Their top scorer, and only contributor above 10 points, was the largely unheralded Charger’s Defense (2 sacks, 4 INT, 2 FUM). Everyone else simply contributed just the right amount, with the hero of MNF being Vernon “legs are burnin” Davis (78 yards, 2-PNT). Now on to the next victim.
– Consistency. It’s a good thing right? Tony Romo was (again) the top scorer (374 yards, TD, 2 INT), and (again) the Cowboys, and the J-Fish, narrowly lost. Yep, consistency is one of those words where there’s a loosely veiled insult just begging to get out. It seems that the Box Jellyfish, despite the awesome power of their deadly venomous tentacles, MAY be hampered by having very little ability to do anything but drift about waiting for something stupid to run into them. A hint of regret in regards to team name choice has lifted its head…
Now onwards to round 3.