Round 1

Hope sinks, like a low flying duck in the jaws of a saltwater croc… Games of 10-9 and 21-14 on Monday night kept the last-minute scoring to a minimum, and the two overnight challengers now lay at the bottom of a muddy riverbed, ruing their weekend.

Autodraft’s tale of two continents – Le Tromp do the stomp on Da Fury (107 v 75)

– Two unwilling autodrafters (online but unable to connect into the draft) faced off in week one. The first pulls out the 3rd highest score, the latter the 3rd lowest. Apparently Yahoo has an affinity for Down Under, as the great southern land teaches the Californian native some manners.

– The Tromps took advantage of having the best WR in the league – Giants WR Hakeem “under the sticks” Nicks (75 yards, 3 TDs) – and threw in a bit of Philip “to no avail” Rivers (303 yards, 2 TDs) to come out of the gates with a nice little score. Don’t you love it when no plan comes together?

– Da Fury, whose Enter and F2 keys may never recover from Draft Night, also had a mid-draft WR pull out some magic – Chad “dude, seriously” Ochocinco (159 yards, TD) – but then fell into a fairly deep pit of despair.  The grand total of 54 yards rushing from his RB’s combined is a particular cause for concern. Da Fury now watches the waiver wire for the inevitable Larry cast-off deluge…

Festivus rings one end of the bell curve, while Giallorossi gets rung at the other (136 v 58)

– Ouch. Losing the first week out stings. Losing by 78 points, and getting the lowest score of the round, is more like having an arm chopped off with a crowbar.  A crowbar being swung by Santa.

– The Festivus Miracles start the new season like they always do – hard, fast and scary. Having an RB with the second-highest opening weekend yardage of all time – Arian “beer commercial” Foster (238 yards, 3 TDs) – must be a nice feeling.  And then you add in Matt “hold the” Forte (201 total yards, 2 TDs) and you have two guys who ALONE would have beaten your opponent. Has Larry’s taste for winning become all consuming? Yep.

– The Italians like to take naps, and Giallorossi is no exception. I think we all would have played Drew “leaves in the” Brees (237 yards, TD), and he WAS Giallorossi’s top scorer of the round.  But, sitting idly on the bench saying “pick me coach” was Matt “no hassle” Hasselbeck (174 yards, 3 TDs, INT) AND Austin “ruff ruff” Collie (131 yards, TD), who both far outscored anyone else on the roster. The only consolation, he still would have been beaten, just not by as much. Don’t worry Doug, in fantasy land your arm will grow back.

The Gnomes just say no to affirmative word plays (120 v 83)

– The Gnomes of Nittany knitted nine nifty neckties and used them to strangle “This is my year”, proving beyond doubt that if you can’t walk the walk then you sure shouldn’t talk the talk.

– The Gnomes had 3 guys in the 20’s – Chris “Number 2 draft pick” Johnson (150 yards, 2 TDs), Tom “still got it” Brady (258 yards, 3 TDs) and Miles “of yardage in my legs” Austin (146 yards, TD) – and becomes an early favorite to root for against the Larry juggernaut. We may never know the hours of fantasy football prep put in by one of the most ardent college football watchers of our generation, but one suspects several man years (Craig never sleeps).

– When you have a name like ‘this is my year’, and then follow it up with a team slogan of ‘driving miss daisy’, it’s hard to tell what you expect from your team.  And I think the football gods responded with a bit of everything – good and bad. On the good side was Rashard “OT hero” Mendenhall (135 yards, TD), and on the bad side was Beanie “fell down the” Wells (out with a bruised knee).  We can only hope at least a consistent message is broadcast in future weeks. Perhaps a team name change to “Steel Magnolias”, to better match the team slogan?  (This advice has nothing to do with me playing them in week 2).

The Ants march together, all over the cover of Jinx magazine (93 v 69)

– Ants represent about 15% of the world’s terrestrial animal biomass [citation needed]. They also represent 100% of kicking the Jinx’s butt [confirmed]. Despite three Jinx players being available on MNF, they could only muster 9 points, and become a victim of their own cover-girl fantasy.

– Perhaps the scariest thing about ants is that they overwhelm you with sheer replicated numbers. And round one – 5 players in the 12-18 point range – indicates they are on to something. Top scorer was Wes Welker (64 yards, 2 TDs), while the rest of the team are happy to be referred to Player [x+1]. The Cincinnati D was the only blemish, and the nest will surely make them pay dearly.

– The Cover Jinxes were obviously more concerned about their hair gel and fake tans this week, with the whole squad being very average.  And by that I mean below average. Jay “the butler” Cutler (394 yards, 2 TDs, INT, FUM) was a lone bright spot in (of all places) Chicago.  At least there’s no manager remorse with who played and who didn’t, with the Jinx’s bench as shallow as Hal (but without even an imaginary Gwyneth to fall back to).

The slippery Salamanders narrowly evade the tentacles of doom (85 v 80)

– The Salamanders, with their Manning Twos, boldly twisted and turned through the flailing venomous tentacles of a floundering Box Jellyfish, ignoring the dead weight of a WR who played an entire game without a catch… and emerged unscathed. Dammit.

– The Salamanders took advantage of the game-losing but fantasy-hero Peyton “still casting a shadow” Manning (433 yards 3 TD) and the New York D (4 sacks, 3 INT, 2 FUM) to get out to a big lead on the weekend.  Despite Sim-City-Walker getting shut out by Denver, the rest of the motley crew provided just enough points to get over the line. Word on the street was that the eyeball-licking festivities after the match were something to behold.

– The Box Jellyfishers, despite their new name, seem to have continued their tradition of getting close but very rarely actually pulling off the win. Frankly, the bridesmaid act is starting to war a little thin. To rub just a pinch or two of salt into the wound, they were watching the Cowboys game – and their fantasy QB Tony “all roads lead here, right?” Romo (282 yards, TD) – and saw a (game-winning) TD on the last play of game disallowed because of a holding call.  That same play would have given them the points to beat the Salamanders…

The round is now history, time to look forward.


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