The fantasy season ends, champions are crowned, tiaras are waved, losers sob quietly in the corner, and we can all go take a nap. The final matches were actually as good as they could be, with the top two scores in each bracket duking it out for the honors, but the winners were dominant and there was no ‘pregnant chad’ factor at play in the season finale.
First up, the Snuggle Bowl results.
The Sophomore Slumps out-boogie Thunderball, in a 70’s disco dance-off (77 v 71)
– After looking unstoppable, Thunderball finishes out the season with 6 consecutive losses – a feat that only the Indianapolis Colts would dare to emulate. With 71 points, it wasn’t a pretty final round, though kicker Robbie “Golden Boot” Gould (3 FG, 3 PAT) was reportedly CHUFFED about his final round MVP award. Sad days indeed. Moving forward after this disastrous end of the season may be hard for the Thunder from Down Under, but I’m sure relentless ribbing from the rest of the league will really help. And in times of sadness he can always point at the Lemmings…
– The Sophomores chased down some tips from Trevor (Oprah Winfrey’s manicurist) during the lead-up to the final round, and TRIPLED their double-digit scorers as a result (as well as getting a very nice cuticle cleanup). Top man was Drew “tailspin” Brees (258 yards, TD), who helped achieve a minimalist win for the ages, with just enough points to keep away from recount danger. A 7th-placed finish is not something to write home about (this ain’t the Boston Marathon), but it does allow a full 8 months of “at least I finished a winner”.
Giallorossi takes the Snuggle Crown from Da Fury’s cold, dead hands (123 v 91)
– Da Fury has developed a hot-and-cold reputation this season, and while lukewarm might have done it earlier this season, it was not even close for the final SnugFest. Again, an overinflated notion of the power of his name (Nate Burleson not making the field) seems to be in play this week – something which may be worth discussion in a Harvard psych practical session (“tell me about your wide-out”). Still, Donovan “not going to end well” McNabb (351 yard, 3 TDs, INT, FUM) did have a pretty handy game, and a 6th placed finish is well earned. Still, the fire seems to be missing and Da Fury may be on notice for a more appropriate name next year – “Da Slightly Annoyed”, perhaps?
– Finally, after a season of being the Football God’s whuppin’ boy, Giallorossi has been redeemed and welcomed back into the fold. With a score that would have rattled the season winner, the Pasta Chompers brought home some serious prosciutto in the final round, with huge input from Jonathon “Late Night” Stewart (222 yards, TD) and Roddy “The Body” White (139 yards, 2 TDs). Throw in the fact that the Cowboys made the playoffs, and you have one happy Dougy. Congrats to the Snuggle Champion, and 5th place holder.
And for the Main Event:
GotaBeatLarry beats the Gnomes, takes solace in missing a top-tier spanking (95 v 67)
– The Nittany Gnomes climbed and scrambled and fought their tiny little hearts out to make it into the playoffs, and then completely tanked. With two players with zero points (Knox and Shockey), plus one more whose weekly contribution was to head off into IR (Jacobs), it seems that the little guys from downtown Nittany were just out of gas. Fourth place is respectable for the season, so the view back down the table remains a good one. But deep down you know they’re just the tiniest bit embarrassed by the end of it all…
– GotaBeatLarry rolls into a well-earned third place, this memory of his crushing of the poor defenseless Gnomes now keeps him warm on the cold winters’ nights. Kurt “on the cards” Warner was the top contributor (323 yards, 2 TDs, FUM), though many others helped out this week. While the GotaBeat’s season goal remained elusive, it might be appropriate for them to send some flowers off to the Squad for saving them from a very embarrassing last-round spanking from above…
Miracles not required as Festivus owns the holidays, the league, and the Squad (123 v 101)
– The Practice Squad, just beaten out for the minor league championship, are beaten again for the League Premiership. While scapegoating has fallen out of practice in most teams, if the Squad were thinking about starting it up again then the 0.2 points from now-injured Laurence “bologna” Maroney would be a good place to start. NE team-mate Randy “fine and dandy” Moss (45 yards, 3 TDs) picked up some of the slack, but it simply was not to be. Second place is a good start for this first-time GIS leaguer – it took Larry 3 years to get there – but now all dreams of grandeur will need to wait another year…
– And now to the winner – Festivus Miracles WINS IT ALL!! After years wandering in the deserts, the hills and the woods, the Miracle’s truly massive research budget has finally paid off. While the final-week hero was Ryan “not crying” Grant (97 yards, 2 TDs), the Miracle’s playlist has been full all season long. With this trophy, Larry finally completes his box-set at home and, perhaps, has just an inkling of how Roger Federer felt when he finally won the French Open. Well done Larry. May your reign be short and tainted with questions about impregnated chads.
Thanks for the season, guys. T’was a good one, see y’all again next year.