Round 8

 

Round 8 – when Favre stuck it to his old team and defense was key. On to our results…

The Miracle continue to be, well, a miracle as they score just enough points to bed the Sophomores (93 v 89)

          Do the Football Gods know anyone BUT Larry exists?  It’s doubtful, as this beloved freak wins yet another matchup with a decent-but-not-outstanding score.  The Sophomores, reduced to playing a secondary role, did their bit by rolling over and acting coy.

          The Festivus Miracles may need to be sainted soon. Surely it was only Larry’s influence that had his top scorer Aaron “38 yards in the first half” Rodgers break the shackles in the third quarter and end up with 339 yards and 3 TDs for the game. Some minor assistance came from Thomas “the Jet Engine” Jones (130 yards), but this win came mostly from the Green Bay O.

          The Sophomore Slumps are back to their shoulder hunching ways, though the team did contribute in a fairly consistent and even way (only Torry “Grandpa” Holt scored poorly). Once again Drew “cool” Brees appeared to have contributed well (311 yards, 2 TDs) but this week  his two lost balls (INT, FUM) could be construed as the reason why the Sophomores lost this week.  Trade, anyone? Da-Angel-In-Da-Turf Williams also did well again this week (158 yards), but no elusive TD…   

 

The GotaBeatLarry’s exact their revenge on Thunderball – language lessons planned (108 v 74)

          For once, and in a very rare occurrence this year, Thunder was in the wrong place at the wrong time. The GotaBeats, rife with dyslexia, saw them as the enemy this week and have them a good old-fashioned pounding. After last week’s faux pas, One doubts JR feels a LOT better, but at least some self-confidence has returned.

          The GotaBeatLarry’s brought out all stops this week – including playing with an entire team. And what a difference – a huge score by the Amazing Maurice Jones-Drew and his legs of iron (173 yards, 2 TDs), plus a return to the hot list by Reggie “veggie-burger” Wayne (147 yards, TD), and all is well. It does seem that Steve “sour grapes” Slaton (11 yards, FUM) is still a bit miffed about last week though.

          Thunder simply didn’t have the goods this week, even with the use of the old double-Steve-Smith-trick.  Steve 1 (the Steve from Carolina) had a reasonable game (73 yards, TD), while Steve 2 (the Steve from the Giants) had similar yards (68) but no TD. His top scorer was Michael “butter churner” Turner (151 yards, TD), and the Dallas D (3 sacks, 2 FUM, TD) just snuck past Steve 1 for second place. But with Thunder’s tight end sitting on the couch, and plenty of others “barely there”, it seems that perhaps only Larry is a true favorite of the F-Gods.

 

The Practice Squad go nude and streak past a weak and sickly Giallorossi (116 v 96)

          After starting 0-and-2, the Squad are now on a 6-game winning streak. They’ve been winning with an underrated QB, undiscovered and rebuilt WRs, and occasionally with massive efforts from their defense.  And as for Giallorossi, surely a cursed man this year, not only was he laid up last week with some kind of piggy-flu-wannabe, he also had to watch the Squad’s pale derrière go flapping by.

          A dubious advantage of a nearly empty / nude bench (4 players on Bye) is that it’s easy to pick who plays that week. The Squad (those who were available) stepped up and, like several other teams this week, the top scorer ended up being the Defense – with Chicago dominating the Browns (1 sack, 2 INT, 3 FUM, TD, blocked kick). Second place went to LaDainian “the forgotten hero” Tomlinson (56 yards, 2 TDs), then a bunch of players in low double-digits.  Will the Squad be hunting Miracles soon…?

          Giallorossi had another typical week – very decent scores from a very decent team, only to lose the actual matchup.  Top scorers were Roddy “my teeth are” White (108 yards, TD) and Ray “my teeth eat” Rice (108 yards, TD). And no, that’s not a copy/paste error – those two guys had exactly the same stats.  If Giallorossi needs a scapegoat, he should perhaps look no further than the 22-point differential between his New York Giants Defense and the nudies from Chicago. 

 

The Battle of the Outrageous Moustaches goes to… Fury over Tromp (97 v 81)

          Never before have two more outrageous moustaches been brought to bear in the field of fantasy football conflict. This time it was the porn-star look from the Fury that had the superior styling, with Le Tromp’s Parisian Outback look simply not up to snuff. Wait and see – Sean Penn, Gabriel Byrne, Sigourney Weaver (and other such stars on the cutting edge of style) will soon be sporting this little number.

          Da Fury hoist themselves up to 4-and-4 with this hirsute win, thanks mainly to the efforts of their running backs – Steven “stonewall” Jackson (166 yards, TD) and Frank “blood-and-guts” Gore (134 yards, TD).  The Fury also had a pretty loaded bye week, so his team management skills cannot be properly judged this week, though surely there is just a touch of remorse in not playing Donovan “I can grow a big ol’ beard” McNabb (3 TDs) over Eli “shaving one a month” Manning (1 TD)…

          The Tromps have been turned about and are now chasing the bottom of the ladder (being held off admirably by the Lemmings and Giallorossi).  Unless you’re playing Doug, a score in the low 80’s just won’t get the job done, especially when nearly a quarter of your entire points come from one guy – Adrian “the purple machine” Peterson (131 yards, TD).  Only two others made double figures – Phillip “someday my prince will come” Rivers (247 yards, TD, INT) and Marion “it AIN’T a girl’s name, sucker” Barber (51 yards, TD). Can the Tromps climb out of this picture? Time is running out…

 

The Gnomes bring their ladder and have a good view as the Lemmings fall… again. (114 v 107)

          It’s not easy being the shortest team in football history, so it really helps when you find a nice, sturdy, and easy-to-carry ladder to lug around with you.  The Gnomes had a good view on this one – albeit a little scarier than it needed to be on MNF – and reportedly pointed and laughed with glee as more and more lemmings leapt into the sea.

          The Gnomes are now sitting right in the middle of a huge pack of 4-and-4’s, so every point will be important from here on out.  They’re hoping to get more good performances from the whole team, of course, but of particular note this week was RB Chris “everyone hates you” Johnson (239 yards, 2 TDs) and Tony “all roads lead to” Romo (266 yards, 3 TDs, FUM).

          The Lemmings are doing their best to be as much like Dougy as possible – getting decent scores but always falling just a tad short. With super-stud Brady out this week, the RB’s stepped up and both topped the 20-point mark – Matt “hold-ay the” Forte (121 yards, 2 TDs) and Pierre “garlic-butter fingers” Thomas (100 yards, 2 TD, FUM).  Facing the unbeaten Miracles next week, the Lemmings are edging ever closer to the longest drop there is – bottom of the table…

I’d wish you all good luck for Round 9, but it seems my pockets are empty…

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