The round that (almost) never was. No delay – straight into it…
The premier matchup of the week – mortal foes in action – ends as a dramedy (97 v 95)
– You might think that a team dedicated to nothing but the downfall of another team would bring FOCUS to a whole new level when they finally met in combat this week. But that would imply drama – a serious business with serious implications. Instead, we end up with a 2-point loss for the GottaBeatLarry’s against LARRY (aka the Miracles)… and all due to a non-replaced RB. How could JR let that happen? My only thought is that he wanted us to laugh (and not WITH him)…
– Festivus Miracles, surely in league with the Football Gods in some manner, keeps his unbeaten run longer than the Vikings with this 2-pointer over the GottaBeats. Despite a pretty woeful affair from his WR’s, it was another decent week for the team – special thanks going to Aaron “the baron” Rodgers (269 yards, 3 TDs) and the New York defense (3 Sacks, 2 Ints, 2 Fums, and a shut-out).
– The GottaBeatLarry’s – what can you say? There would have been much gnashing of teeth and flailing of arms at the lost opportunity. Top scorers – the Philly D (6 sacks, 1 Int, 3 Fums and a TD) and Steve “a man cannae run alone” Slaton (89 yards, 2 TDs, FUM) – were reportedly furious that the lack of a replacement for “bye-bye-man” Jones-Drew cost them the matchup. Derrick “not in a hospital” Ward – the only RB on JR’s bench and owner of more than enough points for the win – was also a bit ticked off.
Thunder’s 2nd lowest score easily accounts for the disillusioned Giallorossi (87 v 61)
– Thunderball, perhaps also in league with the Gods of Football via some kind of online worshipping scheme, pulled in the second-lowest score of the week. It was more than enough to take down last year’s winner, and all ‘round cursed man, Giallorossi.
– Much like the weather of late, Thunder’s score (in high 80’s) felt hotter than it actually was. Following the general trend of the week, his top scorer was a defense – this one being Doug’s beloved Dallas (will the pain NEVER end) – who came in with 4 sacks, 2 Ints, 1 Fum and a TD. Next on the list was Sidney “chicken and” Rice, with 136 yards straight up. Curiously, the number one contributor for the team was sitting on the bench – perhaps you’ve heard of him: Peyton Manning. Yes, so confident were the Thunder of this win that they benched Manning in favor of Delhomme. Bold…
– Giallorossi… You have to admit, whatever they do, they do it with conviction. This week their score was the league’s lowest by more than 20 points – which DOES tend to happen when you get a total of 2.00 points from both running backs combined. Looking for some solace in this week’s performance for Doug was a challenge, and the best I can do is highlight that 2 WR’s made it to double-figures – Marques Colston (72 yards, TD) and Roddy White (50 yards, TD). Other than that, it’s clear that whatever techniques are being employed by Thunder and the Miracles, they need to be copied. And fast.
Practice makes perfect, and the Fury are scorned (107 v 93)
– In a clue for others struggling this year, perhaps there is some kind of name-locking ritual that pleases the Football Gods. Ever since locking down their name, the Practice Squad has gone from strength to strength, with a nicely played destruction of the Fury.
– The Squad played a pretty decent WR this week – he picked up a casual 171 yards and 2 TDs. His name is Miles “make that Steve” Austin – currently worth at least 6 million dollars on the open market. And when you add in some assistance from the under-rated fantasy QB of the season – Matty “quiet achiever” Schaub (273 yards, 2 TDs) – the Squad wins this one handily.
– It’s been said that living the life of luxury by the coast will make you soft, and never has proof been so available. The Fury are in a winning slump of Homer-ific proportions, despite great performances from Cedric “the butler” Benson (189 yards, TD) and Vincent “Van” Jackson (142 yards, TD). His coaching has been tight – usually very few points left on the bench – so one can only blame the draft, Lady Luck, and the sea-air in his nostrils.
The Gnome trump Le Trompe-loeil in another top scoring duel to the death (118 v 114)
– Score number 1 beats score number 2. We’ve seen it all year – we’re just not used to seeing it without Dougy being the Number 2. We’re also not used to seeing the Gnome standing so tall. Did they buy a ladder? Will they be able to lift it on to next week?
– The Nittany Gnomes are back, and they’re wearing their black battle bandanas. They also brought Chad “okee-dokee” Ochocinco (118 yards, 2 TDs) back with them. Apparently they were off touring the land-of-the-forgotten, but luckily they tweeted their way back. Some assistance was provided by (gasp) a defense – San Diego pummeling the poor old Chiefs with 4 sacks, 3 Ints, a TD and a blocked kick. Could this be a return to form? Leaving Romo (and your largest scorer) on the bench will be one oversight they’ll need to address…
– Le Tromp trotted into town, riding on a pony, and scored themselves a pretty little score that would normally have impressed most of the ladies in the saloon. (Shame about the Gnomes and their bigger spurs). Regardless, was still a good game from Phillip “take me to the” Rivers (286 yards, 3 TDs) and Aaaaadrian “Balboa” Peterson (129 yards, TD). To finish up with some minor saltpeter to the head, I’m sure Burgy already noticed that a switch to the Colts D (instead of the Bengals D) would have won him the game. C’est la vie, eh, Trump?
The dam-busting Sophomores bounce their way through the Lemmings (108 v 104)
– The Sophomores have been up and down like a Bouncing Betty Bomb of late, and they finally found a target of note – the dam upon which the Lemmings were standing. Desperate for win, the Lemmings had headed inland, away from the cliffs of despair, and ended up looking down over a large peaceful dam… that quickly exploded beneath them.
– The Sophomores are slumping no more – a few carefully placed bounces from Drew Brees “in my dandruff-free hair” (301 yards, 5 TDs, 3 INT, FUM) and De-Angel-In-De-Turf Williams (139 yards, TD), and he was there. The lack of use of San Fran TE Vernon Davis’s 3 TDs is something that can slip quietly away and never be spoken of again…
– Despite a MNF fightback for the ages, the Lemmings simply cannot stay away from tall objects and dive off them. It’s an illness that can (I believe) be fixed over time through the drinking of copious amounts of beer. Top scorers, and ardent beer guzzlers, were DeSean “sheep” Jackson (136 yards, 2 TDs) and Tom “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia” Brady (313 yards, 3 TDs, 2 INT). Valiant, but ultimately losers.
With the delay-of-writeup, Round 8 is almost over, too. The results are too depressing for me to talk about today. See you all tomorrow.