It took a few days before I dragged myself out of the bottle this week – a 0.04 point loss (about one passing yard) will do that to you. Despite the good view through the bottom of the glass, another round beckoned and THIS time I wasn’t going to leave any points on the bench. Well, at least not as many… Enough of that, on to Round 5 results.
Thor the thantastic ThunderGod smites the freefallin’ Gnomes (98 v 97)
– The Thunder from Down Under has struck it rich of late, with several players coming out of their shells at the right time. With a back-to-back wins, he’s climbing the rankings. The Gnomes, on the other hand, have now lost 3 in a row and have dropped to 2-and-3. Could they be distracted by their never-ending view of butts and legs?
– Thunderball, often mocked for his unholy love of all things Steve Smith, managed to bring in just enough points to put down the Gnomes. The top 3, all with 20+ points, were Peyton “I’m the” Manning (310 yards, 3 TDs, INT), Michael “after-burner” Turner (97 yards, 3 TDs) and Ronnie “back in town” Brown (88 yards, 2 TDs). Something worth noting is the many points left on his bench, including another 20+ point performer in the form of TE Kellen Winslow. Could we have a contender rising…?
– The Nittany Gnomes were close but no cigar (you really need to get better fake ID, little guys, if you want the tobaccy punch). Tony “the tiger” Romo (351 yards, 2 TD, FUM) had a great late-blooming game in his role in the Cowboys win, but the top-scoring Gnome of the day was actually Jeremy “rookie in a hoodie” Maclin (142 yards, 2 TDs). And the barely known player from college obscurity is exactly how we expect this team to get points. In their defense, it was a tough Bye week for the Gnomes, so hope remains that the shorties can get up off the floor next week.
The Festivus Santa Suit proves too much for the dazed and confused Fury (116 v 89)
– Festivus Miracles, begging for the day when he can quit his day job and turn Pro at Fantasy Football, once again turned on an all-team spectacle. Da Fury, operating with 3 hours of sleep and living in a new town where he can’t even find an In and Out drive-through (for crying out loud), posted a score that would have got it done against half the league. But not against Mr 5-and-0…
– Festivus Miracles, the man with approximately 20,000 hours invested in fantasy football, is reaping huge rewards from having the brain the size of Greenland. With 6-out-of-9 players reaching double-figures, I simply don’t have the inclination to write the praises of all of his many impressive players. Maybe it’s a case of tall poppy syndrome, maybe it’s envy. Top-scorer was Andre “not a giant” Johnson (101 yards and 2 TD’s). Yay.
– Serious life changes for Da Fury could be contributing to a slight loss of focus, though his team is actually still looking pretty decent (especially given half his picks were made by Yahoo’s crazy-like-a-fox auto-drafter). This week’s joy revolves mostly around Nate “coat factory” Burleson (98 yards, 2 TDs), with some minor disappointment in Eli “the other white meat” Manning’s only-a-15-point-score (173 yards, 2 TDs) in a game where the Giants scored 44 points…
Giallorossi unleashes the beast on the Sophomores – a bloodbath ensues (126 v 38)
– After weeks of frustrating close losses, Giallorossi finally figured out that the way to ENSURE a win is to get the high-score of the round. In a funny twist of fate, he finally did so against a team who chose that week to score the lowest. Could fate be mocking last year’s winner? One can only hope…
– Giallorossi’s team has always been pretty decent, and this week it all came together to get him his first win of the season. Top scorer was WR Roddy “Hotty” White (210 yards, 2 TDs), followed closely by Ahmad Bradshaw (165 yards, 2 TDs). And these are his SECONDARY-TIER guys… Should we be afraid? At 1-and-4 he’s got a lot of ground to make up, but he’s coming.
– The Sophomores. Ouch. It’s not the biggest drubbing in our league’s history, but it’s pretty close. I might have to fall back on some advice from Grandma for this one – when you ain’t got something nice to say (like, for example, a team-high scorer of 9 points) then you should say nothing at all. Except to snigger quietly and politely look away.
Double-naughts hurt the Practice Squad not, as Tromp-a-lots trump not at all (72 v 67)
– The Practice Squad, their name recognizable for the first time in weeks, seems to have figured out the minimum effort required to win. It’s an impressive skill, with just enough force applied (albeit with a bit more wiggle room this week) to take down the Quigley-lovers.
– The Practice Squad had two players who hit the field but returned with zero points this week (San Fran Defense, and TE Chris “drinking beers from my” Cooley), but this appears to just be a ploy in their ‘just get the min to win, baby’ strategy. Matt “Dr Jeckyl and Mr Hyde” Schaub (376 yards, 2 YDs, INT) ensured the Squad’s win, but Houston’s loss… and the Squad is cool with that.
– The Tromp-a-lots, fingers covered in red and blue paint, looked up from their masterpiece drawing of Adrian Peterson (75 yards, 2 TDs) and suddenly realized that maybe one man CAN’T carry the whole team. Opportunity for the win languished on the bench, where the use of Wes Welker (86 yards, TD) instead of ANY of his other WR’s would have won him the game. Can he get past his Adrian fixation moving fwd…?
The Lemmings use their naming strategy to NOT get beaten by GotaBeatLarry (86 v 78)
– You never know what can win you a round, and 30-plus years ago my parents DIDN’T name my Larry, and that led directly to this win. I’d like to thank them for getting me at least temporarily out of the depths of the ladder. As a tip for JR moving fwd, perhaps a team name of GottaBeatAllYouSuckas might be more effective…
– Despite being huge Yahoo-predicted underdogs, the Lemming Chasers pulled off a solid win thanks to some serious WR action. Top scorers were the Housh-Man (77 yards, 2 TDs) and Brandon “new leaf” Marshall (64 yards, 2 TDs), plus a bit of help from the Viking defense (2 sacks, INT, 3 FUM and a TD).
– Once the Lemmings pointed out the flaw in their naming convention, the GotaBeatLarry’s were always in trouble. They tried hard, but confusion about their mission was rife and no-one stepped up to own the day. Top scorer, by the width of a slice of cheddar cheese, was Brett “indestructible” Favre (232 yards, TD, INT). Fortunately, JR cannot blame himself too much – the opportunity to win was NOT available on the bench (the extra 8 points that were cunningly disguised as Kurt Warner would have gotten him closer, but still not enough for a win).
Thanks lads. As a winner for this round, I say bring on Round 6!!