Round 4

Well, I am back from vacation – apparently 2 weeks off gives you about 1 ½ days of smile-power before emails and work kick you back down again…

Thanks for the great coverage provided by Larry and Burgo in my absence!  Now, Round 4.

You can’t beat a Miracle when you’re fully grown and still only 4’ 3” (58 v 65)

–          OK, so you might be wondering why Festivus is “unbeatable” while technically 7 points behind – and the answer is he still has a QB (Rodgers) and WR (Driver) to play this evening, two players who might be just a little fired up for this game against some bloke (aka traitorous bstd) called Favre.  With no one left to play, it would take an “anti-miracle” for the Gnomes to pull this one off…

–          The Miracles – rough, tough, and smelling slightly of cheap cologne – are already looking the money AGAIN this year. Four contributors above 10 points is always good – the top were: the Denver “save a horse, kill a cowboy” Defense (5 sacks, 1 INT, 1 FUM); and Hines “Psych” Ward (113 yards).  Can this be the year he finally closes the deal? Or will he tease himself to near death for yet another season?

–          The Nittany Gnomes simply didn’t eat enough desiccated cow this week – their diet of mushrooms, lily pads and pond scum resulting in a score that very few could defend. Their only bright light was a guy whose name-changing habits must have somehow protected him from this week’s little man curse – Chad “who am I?” Ochocinco (24 yards, 2 TD).

They know how to play football in Santa Barbara, too, you know – the Fury gently dispatches the Sophomores (69 v 50)

–          Was it a well-planned expenditure of effort by the Fury, or did the Sophomores stay up too late the night before? Regardless, all players have left the field and this battle of 2-and-1 teams has whimpered slowly off into the night…

–          Da Fury woke this morning, the smell of salt and seaweed drifting in on the Santa Barbara breeze, and realized that the Eli Manning may actually be a good QB to have after all (292 yards, 3 TD, INT, FUM). Sure, the rest of his team pretty much sucked, but he has the win, he has the sea breeze, and he has an entire week to find some more players…

–          The Sophomore Slumps hit a tree over the weekend – they woke up this morning with their heads bent over the steering wheel, snuggled into the air bag. Top scorer was Santana “I don’t play the guitar” Moss (74 yards, TD), and everyone else on the field was woeful.  The career game from David “I didn’t know Jacksonville had a team” Garrard (361 total yards, 3 TDs, INT) went home alone, unloved and barely acknowledged…

Thunderball goes for the empty backfield win, as Le Trompe waits for Aaaadrrrriaaan (83 v 59)

–          Who know how far Thunderball could go, if only he could read the schedule. With 3 players off on a Bye this week, he’s still odds on to take the win. The only potential snag, Le Tromp’s one and only remaining player…

–          Thunderball had three players above 20 points, which is pretty much the only way you can win when a third of your team is at home baking muffins on game day.  Top scorer was Steve “no, not that one” Smith (134 yards, 2 TDs), followed closely by Ronnie “who are you calling” Brown (115 yards, 2 TDs) and Peyton “who’s your brother” Manning (353 yards, 2 TDs, INT). Overall, a great score by a team barely there.

–          Le Tromp-a-lot, usually known for their effective reading skills, also had some issues with the schedule this week, with their Defense left out on a Bye. The only good news was that their backup Defense – Seattle – scored exactly one point. (Hope they don’t end up losing by less than that). Solace can be gained from solid performances from “Prince” Philip Rivers (254 yards, 3 TDs, FUM) and Calvin “but no Hobbes” Johnson (145 total yards).  All hope now lies in Adrian Peterson playing tonight…

GotaBeatLarry allows others into his sights as Giallorossi’s poor sense of timing continues (82 v 78)

–          Out on the shooting range, GotaBeatLarry was practicing with his rather large Gatling gun against some Larry-shaped targets when Giallorossi wandered aimlessly across the field and walked into the crossfire.  Unable, somehow, to come up against a team on their BAD weeks, this could be a very long season for last year’s champion…

–          GotaBeatLarry – with the lead and three players still to come – has a commanding position in this one. Special mention should go to Antonio “bust through the” Gates (124 yards, 2 TDs) and Steve “stupid last name” Slaton (89 total yards, 2 TDs, FUM).  Unless Favre has actually set up tonight’s MNF game as a chance to put in the fix (and throw 5 interceptions), it’s fairly safe to call this one as done.

–          Giallorossi, the only “complete loser” team left in the league, simply cannot have worse timing with his games.  I am certainly looking forward to my next game against him…  Regardless, a few players DID perform for him, including the Jay “the Cuttlefish” Cutler (149 yards, 3 TDs) and Derrick “secret handshake” Mason (88 yards, TD).  The only question left is – can he stop himself from oscillating at the wrong frequency any time soon?

He-who-must-not-be-named-the-same batters the Lemmings with a large can of ‘D’ (91 v 74)

–          Multiple personality disorder is a serious issue, and it’s one that plagues 1-in-10 fantasy football players. Given that The Practice Squad (as he is known this week) is our sufferer, we should be understanding and be aware that if we ever start thinking “who is THAT guy”, then it’s, well, him.  And the man-with-no-name has a huge lead heading into MNF…

–          The Practice Squad worked hard on defense this weekend, their red shirts were smattered with pints of St Louis blood -> 39 points from 5 sacks, 1 INT, 2 FUM, 3 TDs, and a shut-out.  Nasty stuff.  While he didn’t need much more help beyond that, we can also commend TE Chris “beer in my” Cooley (65 yards, TD) and Randy “arthritis in the knees” Moss (50 yards, TD) for helping out.

–          The Lemmings, freshly back from their jaunt stimulating the European economy, lost out on an opportunity to switch a player on a bye (thereby keeping up the Aussie tradition of being unable to read a schedule), but otherwise had a pretty decent performance. Three players were in around the 20-point mark – Tom “I’m still pretty good” Brady (269 yards, 2 TDs, FUM), Matt “running is my” Forte (140 yards, TD) and Pierre “camembert” Thomas (132 yards, TD) – but everyone else just kind of kicked back and took up space.  With a kicker and a defense playing tonight (versus a WR from the Squad), hope still remains… but it’s a sad and sorry little creature, and it’s standing next to a cliff…

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