First up, I’d like to pass on my heartfelt thanks and admiration of the stellar job done by Larry “he’s not that” Young during my hiatus. Not only were the reports engaging, well researched, and funny, they were also kind to Tyler Thigpen (no mean feat, I can tell you). Larry, you’re never allowed to do this again.
Now, on to the results of Week 13.
Scoop: Santa whips Elves to make toys (108 v 82)
- As with most miracles of the modern age, such as Wal-Mart, there needs to be some short people doing all the work and getting no credit. The Gnomes played that role in this matchup against the much feared Festivus Miracles.
- Festivus brought his top management structure in – a nearly perfect team performance where everyone played their role (though the one weak link – TE Owen “25 yards?!” Daniels – has already been ‘let go’). The top two, whose end-of-year bonuses are safe for at least another week, are Kurt “I’ll rest when I’m dead” Warner (235 yards, 3 TDs, 3 INTs) and Matt “to the pain” Forte (125 total yards, TD). Festivus is also expecting to release a (very short) DVD on the ethics of corporate raiding at the end of the season.
- The Gnomes, whip marks upon their backs and scuff marks on their muddy, pointy shoes, can only shake their heads at the inhumanity of it all. Even with McGahee a no-show, there simply weren’t enough points on the bench (yes, even with 4-TD McNabb sitting there) to make a difference. The top scorer of the little people was Jay Cutler (357 yards, 2 TDs, INT), as Denver had a win of some quality over the Jets.
Da Fury gets back on the horse, rides through the Thunder and into the sunset (111 v 96)
- Da Fury loves Westbrook and Westbrook loves to score points. Together, they climbed aboard their trusty steed “Priscilla” and came off with a crucial win. Westbrook’s 130 yard and 4-TD performance was simply superb, and Da Fury let him take the front seat of the horse as a reward. Also worth a mention, but not a ride on the horse, was LenDale White (106 yards, 2 TDs).
- Thunderball’s efforts were admirable, but he didn’t have a horse. It must be killing him that the opportunity for victory – DeAngelo Williams’ 4 TDs – lay dormant on the bench. I don’t think DeAngelo “Nero” Williams was fiddling as the team burned, but with DeAngelo, you never know. The top scorer who actually hit the field was “Saint” Bernard Berrian (122 yards, TD).
Game of the Week: Rookies keep NotGonnaBeLast in hunt for Last (108 v 100)
- The Rookies, most definitely not channeling Wayne in any way, have guaranteed themselves a place NOT on the bottom of the ladder with a hard fought win over the NotGonnaBe’s. Thanks must go to Aaron “it’s not my fault, please love me” Rodgers (298 yards, 3 TDs, INT, 2PT) and (of all people) Rob “make me kick further” Bironas (4 FGs, all over 40 yards, and 5 PATs). I believe Festivus offered to trade Owen Daniels for Bironas, but was politely declined.
- NotGonnaBeLast keeps his subconscious dream of being last (and therefore have an ironic story for the ages) well and truly alive with a last-gasp loss on the weekend. Attempting to ruin this plan was the Steelers Defense (5 sacks, 2 INTs, 3 FUM-RECs) and Drew “why can’t we win” Brees (296 yards, 2 TDs, 3 INTs). Hope remains for JR to take last spot next week, though he’s going to need some help…
Giallorossi cements place in finals with drubbing of the targetless OutToGetSheps (113 v 95)
- The Italian Job – NFL style. The safe was cracked open by a stellar performance from everyone’s favorite superstar boyfriend, Tony “pinky” Romo (331 yards, 3 TDs, INT). The getaway car was then driven like a demon by Thomas “Crown Affair” Jones (159 total yards, 2 TDs), and Giallorossi and his merry band of loveable cinema villains went on to take top billing at the box office. They are now guaranteed a spot for the final shoot-out.
- As mentioned previously by a recently retired rival author, the OTGS’s singularity of purpose may be working against him. Despite an impressive running back showing – Chris “never heard of him” Johnson (134 total yards, 2 TDs) and Adrian “him, I know” Peterson (131 yards, TD) – the OTGS’s simply couldn’t muster the energy, drive, and (dare I say it) willpower to head on to the win. The 112 yards passing (no INTs, no TDs) from Trent Edwards, for a total of 4.98 points, is indicative of the sheer ‘blah’ of the rest of the team…
Shame of the Week: Gogoplata marginally les woeful than the Lifters (70 v 61)
- Like most girls in the ’entertainment industry’, the Gogo girls never do any more work than they have to. And they picked their mark well this week – they pull in the second lowest score and still win handily. We all know that Greg Jennings (91 yards, TD, 2PT) loves the ladies, and he was the key player needed to pull in the win, especially with negative points from QB Cassell (who managed to turn over the ball to the Steelers 4 times).
- The Heavy Lifters, what’s to be said? If you get the worst score, you lose. In a team looking for some upside, all they can do is reinforce their 2 bench management decisions. (1) Although a 30+ pointer – Steve Slaton (182 yards, 2 TDs) – was left on the bench, I don’t think a manager in the league would have played him over Gore and Portis. (2) At least Plaxico “shot myself in the leg, literally” Burress remained off the field.
Thanks to all. May the fruits of your teams’ labors be swollen with the sweet, fat bodies of maggots. (OK, sorry, that’s just the ‘Slaton effect’ talking).
A summary of the Week 14 (final regular season round) implications will come out later this week.