Round 9 in progress, though most games are already over. A bit like Hayden Christensen’s box-office pull.
Rookies get run over by a reindeer (111 v 85)
- Festivus Miracles currently hold the highest score of the week, with 6-out-of-9 players making it into double digits. That’s just crazy. Top dogs were Kurt I-Warnered-You (342 yards, 2 TDs) and Braylon Edwards (86 yards, TD). Is the Larry juggernaut, making its first serious visit to this league, an unstoppable force? Can anyone REALLY kill Christmas?
- The Rookies, again with very minimal points on the bench, were never in this one. They heard some bells, but it sure wasn’t an angel getting its wings – more like a train crossing signal and their car was out of gas. Aaron “hate mail in my future” Rodgers (314 yards, TD, INT, FUM) was the high water mark.
The Thunderbeast awakens, smacks around some curious Gnomes (107 v 63)
- Thunder’s highly publicized mismanagement of round 6 has stung the team into action. Also with 6-from-9 in double figures, a far-away call of “charge” can be heard from the basement. And leading the way is a revitalized Peyton “I used to matter in fantasy football” Manning (254 yards, 2 TDs, 2PNT) and Bernard “Shaw, I can catch” Berrian (104 yards, TD).
- The Gnomes, after being promising early, are starting to shrink. Perhaps their shoe inserts have been misplaced, I just don’t know for sure. Chunky Soup McNabb (349 yards, 2 TDs, INT) remains a tall man in a short team.
Matchup of the week fizzles, as Gogo girls do their nails and talk shop with Da Fury (57 v 50)
- The 2nd placed Gogo girls currently have the lead, with a performance best described as a pastel-colored lace doily – possibly useful but definitely ugly. The only player in double figures was the Jacksonville defense, whose 12 points (through a variety of defensive plays including a TD) was sullied by their team’s 2-point loss to the Bengals (ouch).
- 3rd placed Da Fury under 50 points? Sure it looks bad – his only player currently in double figures is the kicker – but Da Fury has been sandbagging. He’s been playing the Gogo’s for fools, buying them drinks with umbrellas in them and complimenting them on their eyes. With both a QB (Big Ben) and a WR (Santana Moss) coming tonight, Da Fury may be getting lucky.
Notgonnabelast places protective plastic on couch for MNF versus Out-to-get-Shep (89 v 86)
- Notgonnabelast takes a slender lead into MNF, with an actually very impressive score thus far. The top two were Donald “the duck” Driver (136 yards, TD) and Jeff “grandpa” Garcia (339 yards, TD, INT, 2PNT). Tonight will test JR’s bladder control.
- Out-to-get-Shep, deigning to play a Tight End this week, remains hot on his heels, thanks to a stellar RB game – Chris “Titan” Johnson (161 yards, TD) and Aaaaddddrrrrriiiiaaan Peterson (139 yards, TD).
- Tonight has Notgonnabelast fielding TE Chris Cooley and the Pittsburgh DEF against the Out-to-get-Shep’s one and only player, QB Jason Campbell. Yahoo predicts that the TE/DEF combination will score almost exactly the same as the single QB, so this suggests a 3-point win for NotGonnaBeLast. To add some spice, a Burgon win would push Notgonnabelast to, um, last. Never has a team name been under such scrutiny…
The Heavies are back, they’re proud, and Giallorossi can only wonder how he fell so far (81 v 69)
- The Heavy Lifters, suddenly aware that the season has indeed started, has an unassailable lead even before their 2 RBs take the field. The Derek / Derrick combination of Anderson (219 yards, 2 TDs, INT) and Mason (136 yards, TD) made sure of that. And with Clinton “Cigar” Portis and Willie “yes, it’s a big one” Parker playing tonight, scores are heading up.
- Giallorossi entered a perfect storm and his fishing boat took on too much water. The only player whose performance is worth the time it takes me to type up the report was Thomas “the tank engine” Jones – 117 total yards and a TD. Otherwise, just a bunch of seawater and seaweed.
Thanks to all. The extensive cursing and wishing of misfortunes to your teams seems to be working, so may all your teams get cabin fever, yellow fever, and disco fever.