Tuesday morning review this week, so no drama to be built. Just state the facts, ma’am.
Da Fury ruins the holidays (117 v 105)
- Da Fury, aka “the Grinch”, eyed up Festivius’s perfect record this weekend and figured it was just too damn shiny and needed some dirt rubbed into it. The return of Brian “ribs of steel” Westbrook (209 total yards, 2 TDs), plus a full-of-highlights display from Santana “not Kate” Moss (140 yards, TD, return-TD), led to a score worthy of the most vile of holiday bad guys.
- Festivus Miracles tried hard to hear the bell ring, but he simply didn’t believe this week. Top scorer was Matt “Houston, we have no problem” Shaub (280 yards, 3 TDs), with everyone’s most regretful Number One Draft Pick, LT, coming in second (170 total yards, TD). The Miracles tried hard – not a point was wasted on the bench – but I think we can all agree, the world is just a little bit more gray, more sad, now that Christmas has been sullied.
Gnomes casually move NotGonnaBeLast just a touch closer to their Waterloo (93 v 86)
- The Gnomes took full advantage of a great return to form of Steve Smith (111 yards, 2 TDs) and Donovan “fries and a” McNabb (278 total yards, TD, FUM) to quite casually make his way up into the low 90’s. And this despite a 17-yard-plus-FUM performance from the “falling off the edge”, Edgerrin James.
- NotGonnaBeLast, close but no cigar, falls to 2-and-6 and a three-way tie (in wins) for bottom of the table. Drew “a picture of a house” Brees can hold his head high (313 net yards, 3 TDs), as can the both-got-102-yards-receiving duo of Randy Moss and Dwayne Bowe, but then it peters out pretty quickly. Given the talent below him on the table, JR is still likely to be “not last” for the season. But it’s going to be close.
Gogoplata rises, Giallorossi stumbles, in the battle of the obscure ‘G’ words (90 v 75)
- Gogoplata brushes off last week’s crushing loss to the red suits, with a great coaching job (again, nary a point left behind on the sideline) and nice performances from David “me no throw interceptions” Garrard (342 total yards, 2 TDs) and Marshawn Lynch (95 yards, TD).
- Giallorossi, sluggish from too much cappuccino, had his kicker – Shaun “sheesh, hope I don’t have a lisp” Suisham – top scorer this week (4 FGs, PAT). Matt Cassel (the guy who replaced the best QB in the league, poor bugger) came in second with 289 total yards, TD and 2 INTs. For future reference, when your kicker and a backup QB make the write-up for your team, you know you’re in trouble…
It’s a nailbiter, but the Get Sheps hold off the upstart Rookies with cuticle to spare (95 v 94)
- Out to get Shep sports 5 players in the ‘teens, showing that teamwork may, in fact, be part of football. Who knew? Worthy mention must go to Jason “hockey mask” Campbell (328 yards, TD, FUM) and Antonio “enemy at the” Gates (96 yards, TD). A quick glance at the Get Sheps’ bench indicates many points mismanaged. Is the coach worthy of the team..?
- The Rookies were almost there. A huge MNF game from “Debbie does” Dallas Clark (94 yards, 2 TDs), plus an earlier quality game from Eli Manning (199 yards, TD), brought him within a whisker of pulling off the last minute upset. Side note – in what must surely be some kind of record, the entire Rookie bench combined for 2.9 points. Not too deep back there, rookie…
Battle of the cellar-dwellers leads to a Thunderous dropping of something Heavy (100 v 70)
- Thunderball, jilted into action after last week’s scathing commentary (what was I thinking?), fielded a full team this week and they were fired up. Philip “why can’t we win a game” Rivers lead the way (341 yards, 3 TDs, INT), with very nice support from Roddy “the body” White (113 yards, 2 TDs). The win, and decent score, moved Thunder up to 9th, just behind JR and just ahead of…
- … the pathetic losers known as the Heavy Lifters. Jack Delhomme (248 yards, 2 TDs, INT) and the running backs – Portis (132 yards) and Gore (159 yards) – continue to provide the only remnant of a fading glimmer of hope in the darkening shadows. It’s getting dark down here, and I think I may be in a Chronicles of Riddick spin-off…
Thanks to all. May all your teams get pleurisy, the bubonic plague, and a bad haircut.