Week 4 down, and still no win for your humble (distraught / tearful / angry / suicidal) correspondent. At least I still have my 6-pack abs. Wait a minute, they seem to be buried under a few feet of Pillsbury Doughboy. Aw, crap.
Anyway, on to results…
Festivus Miracles believes in Santa, but not the Nittany Gnomes (97 v 88)
- Festivus’s Number One Overall Draft Pick, LT, finally gets rolling against the unlucky (hapless?) Raiders and pulls in 115 total yards and 2 TDs. He then gets some assistance through Kurt Warner’s role in the 91-point shootout with Favre (472 yards, 2 TDs, 3 INTs) and a reasonable performance from Terrell “Give me the damn ball or I’ll cry” Owens (82 yards, TD).
- The Gnomes scratched and clawed as best they could, with contributions from “living on the” Edgerrin James (66 total yards, 2 TDs), Jay Cutler-fish (361 yards, TD, 2 INTs) and Steve “where have you been” Smith (96 yards, TD).
- Tonight will see the Gnome’s rookie RB Rashard Mendenhall taking on the Festivus’s battle-scarred veteran WR Hines Ward, with a 9-point buffer to overcome. I predict Larry will happily fall asleep on the couch after his second beer tonight, safely cradling the win…
Giallorossi uses a pilum to skewer the defenseless Out to get Shep (109 v 106)
- With 5 players in double figures, Giallorossi gets himself into the low-hundreds this week, for a tight lead over the Departed. Special mention must go to Tony “when in” Romo (300 yards, 3 TDs, INT) and Muhsin Muhammad (147 yards, TD). Probably best not to mention Doug’s RB situation though (contributed a total combined 6.5 points)…
- Out to get Shep, who has deigned to field a DEF thus far, also mustered 100+points this week, from 5 players in double digits. The bulk of this was provided through his runners – Adrian “questionable my butt” Peterson (80 yards, 2 TDs) and Chris “a rookie Titan is a deity, yes?” Johnson (75 total yards, 2 TDs).
- Unless there’s another hurricane which forces the NYG Def to play tonight somehow, this game is fully cooked…
Da Fury unleashes an old man’s lightning against the defenseless Thunderball (103 v 55)
- Da Fury played a fellow called Brett Favre on the weekend. Maybe you’ve heard of him? He’s played like 4000 games in a row, or something. Anyway, this week he threw for 289 yards, 6 TDs, and an INT. Yes, that’s 6 TDs. Well done, sir. I think Da Fury had some other guys play as well, but I don’t want to talk about them.
- Not sure what’s happened to the internationally-born-but-Aussie-accented defenses, but Thunderball also decided he needed no stinkin’ defense this week. Not that it could make a difference, but a sliver of solace comes in the form of Isaac “call me” Bruce (54 yards, TD) and Philip Rivers (180 yards, TD, INT). I did say “a sliver of solace”…
- Unless Thunder can figure out a way to field the Pittsburgh defense against the Fairyland Under 12’s team tonight, we can mark this one as done.
Rookie Mistakes inching towards a nail-biting win over Notgonnabelast (68 v 63)
- The Rookie’s take a short lead – 5.28 points, to be precise – into tonight’s game, due in part to Aaron “Buck” Rodgers (165 yards, 2 TDs, 3 INTs), Larry “Grandpa” Fitzgerald (122 yards), and kicker Rob “My Sharona” Bironas (3 FGs, 3 PATs). A team effort, all the way.
- Notgonnabelast took a different approach – put it all on one guy. Yes, with almost half his score coming from Drew feel-the-Brees-in-my-swiftly-thinning-hair (363 yards, 3 TDs, INT), JR is really working on the ‘super star’ angle that was so disastrous for him last season.
- Heading into MNF, Rookie has 5.28 points in the bank and Santonio Holmes (predicted for 7.33 points), while Notgonnabelast has an empty pocket and the Pittsburgh D (predicted for 11.01 points). Those of you with Rain Man skills (or a calculator) will quickly see that this means a 1.6 point win for the Rookie’s. No nap-and-beer for these two tonight…
Gogoplata wallops the Heavy Lifters, using combination roundhouse kick and tassel skirt (91 v 74)
- The Go-Go girls spun and twirled, legs swinging high in the air… And then Kent thought he’d change the channel and watch some football. And there was JOY to be had in them thar hills, with David “Legs of Iron” Garrard (236 yards pass, pass TD, 41 yards rush, rush TD) and Greg “I like Aaron, just not in that way” Jennings (109 yards, 2 TDs).
- The Heavy Lifters continue to lift cabers, elephants and anvils with ease – but they’re doing it while standing in quicksand. Now up to their flarey nostrils in wet sand, nothing can make them feel better. Top scorer was kicker Matt Prater (17 points) and the only other guys in double digits (Rnd 1 and Rnd 2 draft picks) were Gore and Portis, both with well over a hundred total yards gained, but both minus a TD. Chad “Choco Stinko” may very well be offered up in a fire sale soon. I’m thinking a second string TE would be a fair trade.
- None left to play in this matchup, so I plan to drink hard and early. I may have already started…
Thanks to all. Not looking forward to another week.