Some big scores posted this weekend, and there’s minimal drama for tonight, but football remains fun even when you stink it up. At least, I hope it does.
Da Fury needs a shut-out-injury-miracle to hold off Notgonnabelast (65 v 64)
- Da Fury’s entire team has had their day – the Tennessee defense top-scoring with 19 well-earned points, and Santana “almost fa-“ Moss coming in second with 75 yards and a TD (which equals the NFL record of 6 consecutive games with a TD). On the down side, Big Ben strikes zero o’clock (131 yards, INT, 2 FUMs => -0.16) and leaves the game with an injury. Being sacked 8 times in the game can certainly mess up your stats…
- Notgonnabelast still has a few players to punch in, but so far the only one he can be really pleased with is Drew-my-name-out-of-a-hat Brees (421 yards, TD) – who had a good statistical game even though his team lost a winnable matchup against the Broncos. JR’s other big names – TO and Randy Moss – both had lousy games. WR’s = primadonnas = volatile = occasional episodes of crying on the bench.
- Despite being behind on Monday morning, Notgonnabelast can be fairly certain he’ll be OK for a win this week. Unless San Diego is shut-out, kicker Nate Kaeding will get the needed “one point” for victory. And he also has Darren “short but fast” Sproles in the SD backfield, ready to get 10 yards of rushing…
Nittany Gnomes seem to have the right clay, as Out to get Shep dithers in a post-life’s-goal stupor (87 v 64)
- The Gnomes get more good points out of Jay “who knew” Cutler, whose 261 yards, 2 TDs and INT again seems to say “I am a good QB, please don’t boo me anymore”. They’re tough at Mile High Stadium, but at 3-0 Cutler could be well on his way to having a successful used-car dealership when he retires. Steven Jackson also gained some love this week, with 128 total yards for the Rams.
- With two players yet to come, Out to get Shep is still trying to recover from the hangover of last week’s achievement. On the plus side, Jason “hockey mask” Campbell came from nowhere to lead the Redskins to a nice win, pulling in 193 yards and 2 TDs in the process. And that’s it, no more significant plus side (though 2 RBs in the 70 yards or so category did help).
- Coming in tonight is Antonio Gates and Chris Chambers, so while hope remains for our tired and hungover Antipodean, it is a dim and flickering light…
Rookie Mistakes hangs on as Giallorossi fires up the Maserati (88 v 79)
- Rookie no more, he takes a 9-point lead into MNF with nice performances from Reggie “worth two in the” Bush (148 total yards, 2 TDs), Eli “the other” Manning (289 yards, TD), and Larry “I ain’t old” Fitzgerald (109 yards, TD). Unfortunately last week’s superstar – Eddie Royal – wasn’t able to pull off the same trick this week.
- Giallorossi remains within tailgating distance, with a big performance from Joseph “I run until” Addai (88 total yards, 2 TDs) and a cameo from Romo (260 yards, TD, INT). Given his beloved Cowboys had another win this weekend, one can only speculate if Doug can even see his fantasy football team through the haze of joy.
- Giallorossi, while currently trailing, has a couple of key personnel (Cotchery and Thomas Jones) coming out tonight and, if you listen carefully, the rumble of an Italian supercar looms. Tonight will tell just how good that engineering really is…
Poultry in motion, as Gogoplata sacrifices an emu, trumping Thunderball’s chicken (115 v 105)
- Wow, nice team win for Gogplata, indicating that some voodoo black magic and a giant dismembered flightless bird was involved. With literally too many good scores for me to bother investigating (6 in double figures), here are the top two – Marshawn “Raider heartbreaker” Lynch (114 yards, 2 TDs) and Brandon Marshall (155 yards, TD).
- Thunderball’s chicken sacrifice, inspired by a visit to El Pollo Loco, put a bucketload of juju into Miami RB Ronnie “be like LT” Brown (113 yards, 4 rush TDs, 1 pass TD). And despite unexpected backup from Maurice “Smith-Williams-Brown” Jones-Drew (166 yards, TD), the chicken was just not enough.
- With no-one left to play tonight for either team, this correspondent can only wonder where he, too, can get his hands on an emu (or maybe an unusually tall ostrich).
Festivus Miracles applies the Santa Claus theory to hapless Heavy Lifters (115 v 64)
- The Santa Claus theory – that good kids get what they want for Christmas – was used to good effect by Festivus Miracles, as Larry’s exceptional moral fiber shone through on to a team who (like the emu-sacrificing Gogoplata) had 6 players with double figures. Extra special mention must go to Michael “Not Tina” Turner (104 yards, 3 TDs) and Matt “running AND catching is my” Forte (155 yards, TD).
- While the Lifters did have some RB success – Frank “blood and guts” Gore (162 yards, TD) and Clinton Portis (87 total yards, TD) – every other player was in single figures. Perhaps the most appropriate Heavy Lifter player to represent the team as a whole was Derek Anderson (125 yards, TD, 3 INTs). He threw 37 times for 14 completions, and was sacked 4 times. Priceless.
- At 0-and-3, one can only wonder if the Heavy Lifters are a good team out of luck (San Diego Chargers) or a crap team getting exactly what they deserve (Kansas City Chiefs). Let’s keep our speculation private for now, hey gents?
Thank you, and bugger wishing any of “luck” going forward – I need all that I can get.